tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75558153212278499592024-02-20T12:28:08.818-08:00My Journey into Loving Domestic DisciplineAdoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-61897402378223983802013-04-28T12:18:00.001-07:002013-04-28T12:18:18.411-07:00Hello all! I know I have essentially fallen off the face of the planet, but I am alive and well. We have had many health hiccups over the last few years but have survived and thrived!<br />
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My HOH and I have had many discussions over our failed attempts to maintain a much needed LDD lifestyle and have had our "come to Jesus" conversation. We are officially back on track. I have had a few spankings already. I anticipate being active once more on this blog- not that anybody is even following it anymore, which is alright. I am doing this for me, and for my HOH. If anybody is still out there, I hope you are all doing well!!!Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-63992999318949022052009-10-26T15:23:00.000-07:002009-10-26T15:23:50.599-07:00Here we are.Things are coming along. I was punished Friday night for not calling my HOH Sir, forgetting to put the clothes in the dryer, and forgetting my cell phone at home. I think we are still struggling with insufficient discipline. It hurts. don't get me wrong, but not enough to make me cry. In the world of LDD, it is like we are doing this half ass. Knowing that I will be punished has definitely changed the way I spend my days. I try to always have the house cleaned and the dishes done, but I still feel like I need more structure. I don't know. I can suggest things to him but I kind of feel like I am backseat HOHing. Does anybody else deal with those feelings? How do we overcome them?<br />
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I definitely feel like I am in a better place, submissionwise, then I was a few months ago, but I am nowhere near that Actual Submissive State. I am just going along with the motions it feels. I don't think either one of us feels like this wasn't a good thing for us. We are spending more quality time together working on our relationship. Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-24541641377536579652009-10-21T20:00:00.000-07:002009-10-21T20:00:33.801-07:00Always In the Mood?So I know that I have a punishment coming to me. My HOH specifically asked me to wash his clothes. I forgot to put them in the dryer. Not good, I know. He has been working a lot lately and informed me that he hasn't forgotten or ignored it, that I will be punished on Friday night. <br />
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Sooooo, on a side note. Since we started this, I feel like I am always sexually aroused. I am masturbating multiple times per day. I am ALWAYS thinking about sex and am constantly wet. He has been so busy with work and is so tired. How do I go about getting it? Do I simply wait for him to want it or do I assert myself more to get it? What is the "submissive" thing to do??? Help? I am horny!!!Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-14304987149204575382009-10-19T20:44:00.000-07:002009-10-19T20:44:04.634-07:00The Massage for The MasterI did as I was told and I feel very good about it. I gave my HOH a nice, relaxing massage with a Happy Ending. I then washed him and dried him. I picked the ping pong paddle for my spanking and I was very obedient and did not struggle. I accepted my spanking in a very submissive manner. My HOH told me that he forgave me. He licked me and pampered me for his own enjoyment and we made love. <br />
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This time everything feels so different. It feels more real, a way of life, as opposed to a game with sporatic rules. The consistency is key, I know. I feel very loved and cherished. My HOH even made me chocolate chip pancakes later in the evening. It is a wonderul feeling to be taken care of so much. I just want to please him more. <br />
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I know I probably lost a lot of followers going so long without updating. Is anybody still out there?Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-67921947176037024252009-10-19T16:43:00.000-07:002009-10-19T16:43:58.219-07:00Residuals from the Wedding WeekendSo my husband was in a wedding this weekend. It was crazy hectic. He was gone all day on Friday and Saturday which left me to run all of the "wedding prep" errands and get the two kids dressed and ready (ages 3 & 5) for the weekend's activities. I felt like I was a chicken, running around with my head cut off. It was crazy. I thought I handled things well, though. We were always on time, presentable, smiling. I did have one slip up on Saturday morning. My HOH had called about 10 minutes after he had walked out of the door to apologize for not giving me a preemptive spanking to help motivate me to stay on my best behavior for the rest of the weekend. I was frazzled, trying to herd the kids, when he called and was pretty annoyed at his reasons for making me drop everything and run to get the phone. I was angry and hung up on him. Well, I said good-bye and the conversation was pretty much over, but it was disrespectful nonetheless. <br />
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With the wedding going into the wee hours of morning and festivites continuing on through Sunday morning, we were exhausted. Incident forgotten? No. My HOH sent me an e-mail this morning giving me detailed instructions on what I am to do tonight after the children go to bed. I am to strip and await inspection in the bedroom. (I had laser hair removal this morning- legs, underarms, and full bikini- he wants to see the results). Then I am to strip him and give him a massage with massage oil. The massage should have a "happy ending". Then I am to warm up the shower and bring him in and wash off all of the massage oil. Then I am to pick the implement I feel like I have earned and lay face down on the bed, awaiting my spanking.<br />
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I guess I am happy that he didn't let the incident slide. I will try to follow his orders as he wishes. I will let you know. I am being beckoned right now to put the kids to bed.Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-89025497005986010912009-10-15T09:30:00.000-07:002009-10-15T09:30:07.102-07:00ImplementationI had my first Maintenance Spanking last night. We have recently obtained a bunch of new implements varying from a new flogger, to new canes, to a new loopy johnny. My HOH gave my bottom a taste of everything last night so that I would know which implements to fear the most. He also inserted the ginger root for 4 minutes. It was horrible. He warned me that ginger root punishments could last up to 20 minutes. That fear is a real deterrance to behave, I will tell you. <br />
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He took very good care of me after my discipline. We had sex twice last night and both times were fantastic. I felt very loved and seure. <br />
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This morning I felt the sting of the spanking on my bottom while I was in the shower. I have been wanting him to come home and touch me sooo badly. I feel obedient and eager to do my chores to please him. I still feel awkward calling him Sir at certain times, but at ease with it at others. During intercourse last night it felt very natural. <br />
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We are off to a running start!Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-19416000501649435152009-10-13T16:25:00.000-07:002009-10-13T16:25:00.206-07:00Submission TrainingThe last time we made a genuine effort at this lifestyle I really struggled with obtaining Actual Submission, accepting my place both internally and externally. This time we are really trying to focus on that. For at least 30 minutes every evening we are spending time working on it. I am trying to call my HOH "Sir". I am getting my chores done. <br />
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I have my first maintenance spanking tomorrow night and I know that it is going to be intense. He is really committed to making a lasting impression on me (quite literally, I think). We have a plethera of new implements and I know he wants to experiment with them all. I am on my best behaviour in anticipation, I guess. I am also eager for it. Eager and Afraid. Does that make any sense???Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-4314711438329704102009-10-07T21:23:00.000-07:002009-10-07T21:30:10.775-07:00RestlessnessHey all. I am sorry we have been MIA for so long. I have a herniated disc and it has sucked. My HOH would not spank me while I have been having these back issues. <br />
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These are a few journal entries from the last few weeks I thought I would post. We have been working on an LDD contract over the past few months, filling in the void, if you will. We are actually back into the swing of things, I got my first punishment spanking last night after months without....<br />
We had decided to start again. We went to see Phantom of the Opera last night. Apparently before dinner, I rolled my eyes at something he said. He decided to spank me for disrespect. By the time we got home, I had no idea what he was talking about. We ended up having a huge argument which brought out a lot of anger and resentment we have developed for eachother. He has been very busy at work and has been doing almost everything at home for the past few months- since I have become an invalid. I am unsatisfied with our current sex life- also hindered because of my back. After we calmed down, he told me that he went about it the wrong way, but that I DID deserve a spanking, especially after the fight. I agreed. I learned the wrath of the loopy johnny for the first time after that and it hurt like a bitch!!!! I will be updating more frequently now. I can post our tentative rules aka "LDD Contract" if anybody has interest... <br />
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Here are the journal entries from the past couple of weeks.<br />
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9.13.09 <br />
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I feel like it has been SO long since I have typed a journal entry. It has been a hellacious summer. My daughter broke her collar bone, then my son broke his foot. I have been dealing with a herniated disk. It has been brutal. I know that my HOH has been dealing with a lot of the household chores and responsibilities- well, all of them actually. He is ready and eager to start over with the LDD relationship. <br />
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I am too, I think. I go back and forth between really wanting to longterm commit. Sometimes I see that this would do wonders for our marriage. It could be that spark that keeps us connected both emotionally and physically. I have felt something to be lacking and this could be the answer. I like the idea of it- the submission. Letting go. All of the emotional transformation that comes along with LDD. I won’t lie that the thought of it always makes me wet. I masturbate thinking about being submissive, but then, after I cum, I feel like I am crazy for seriously considering it. I fear the degree of punishment I will need in order to truly submit to his Actual Authority over me, to get through the Superficial Submission and obtain True Submission. <br />
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9.27.09 <br />
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Okay, so I guess we are getting close to recommitting to the lifestyle and I am a little bit, well, a lot bit, wondering what is wrong with me for considering this. Do I really want to give up my control? My independence? Do I really want to have to swallow my pride and bite my tongue in order to avoid being spanked until I cry? I mean, REALLY??? Forever be spanked for being sarcastic or calling him out on his oversensitivity or short temper? I don’t know if I can do it. I mean, I want to better our marriage. I think that he would be happier with it for certain. I don’t mean the spanking, per se, but the affects of the submission. The actual spanking will be time consuming and demands a great deal of effort and commitment. He will be tired and not want to follow through all of the time. <br />
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I wonder if he can really do it. 100% I know I will test him. Brat. And if he can’t be strict and thorough, it will only cause friction between us. I know that I can withstand a lot. I am dreading the pain that I will need to receive in order to really sob. Every time. Ugh. Again, I question my sanity? I really want to be made to cry from pain? I have a good thing going here as is….. but he is not happy. And I am not happy. Not really. I just don’t understand why THIS is what we need. But then I think back to how I felt while we were doing it and I can see the potential. I was truly enamored by him. His strength. His power. The sound of his Firm Voice made me wet. Made me want to please him. Emotionally and Physically. <br />
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Now he treats me like a Queen. He pampers me. Coddles me. But I have no limits. No repercussions. I am truly not accountable for anything. I can be mean, be rude, and life goes on. But I carry guilt and feel more disconnect. I am dominant, but inherently need to be taken in hand. I don’t want the burdens of paying bills, worrying about money, dealing with any of that crap. But I am basically freeloading in the marriage. I decide when we have sex. I decide whether we go here or there. I decide when I clean. I need to break these habits. It makes my HOH feel used, unloved, and disrespected. I know LDD will change all of this. I am not happy that we need this. I am not sure how it is going to play out. Am I committing to a lifetime of maintenance spankings? Will I be spanked 15 years from now for failing to call when I am on my way home? I don’t know. Maybe. I guess. Am I hoping for that? Would that mean that it worked? I mean, if we are going to do this, we need to do it. Forever, right? I mean, if I accept him as my HOH I need to accept that I will be spanked harshly. I am very strong willed. I just don’t know how long and how hard I will resist submission. True submission. I think that is the goal. Getting there will suck. I need to believe with 100% certainty that bad behavior will 100% of the time result in such a punishment – to the point where I behave because I am afraid of the punishment. I think the learning curve of that point will be difficult for the both of us. <br />
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I know that I will not want the discipline at times. I will try to get out of them when I reach the fight or flight stage. He will have to push through it. I am afraid both that he will not be able to push through and apply sufficient discipline (too soft or too short) and, at the same time, I am afraid that he WILL be able to push through and the pain will be unbearable. I read a story on a punishment blog where the HOH was worried because his wife wouldn’t answer her cell and didn’t tell him where she was going… he was so relieved when she came home and he just held her for awhile. Then he told her that she was very irresponsible and that behavior like that was not to be tolerated. He was going to spank her with his hand, belt, paddle, and strap the next night so harshly that she would never behave so irresponsibly again. The next night she pled with him that she was sorry. He just replied that she was about to become even sorrier. He told her that she was going to be spanked, not killed. She would survive this and be fine- a better wife as a result of it. I keep trying to convince myself of that. It will hurt but the pain will end. It was MY bad behavior earned the spanking. I will learn a lesson and be a better wife, person, because of it. <br />
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I keep thinking of all of those television shows from the 1950s. I remember Ricky putting Lucy over his knee to spank her. It used to be commonly accepted that a husband could discipline his wife however he saw fit. I trust mine to handle my discipline however he feels is necessary to better our lives. There really can be only one Master in a household. He has been trying to sustain our family both outside and inside of the home. It is too stressful for him and he resents me for it. I bully him. He resents me for that too. I resent that I can bully him. It has made me lazy. Unappreciative. What he does is never enough for me. Thinking about being that ideal submissive wife sounds so freeing. I think he would cherish me more- if that is possible. I think I would appreciate it so much more. Ultimately, I don’t think I would be giving up any true liberties, going out, doing things that are fun and important to me- but I would be more appreciative, respectful, earn those things. See them as privileges. Appreciate my lifestyle. <br />
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Okay, I guess that I know that this would all be good. The only bad part is those first few months. The commitment on his part to physically restrain me if necessary. To punish me when I should be punished and not let things slide. To be firm. Thorough. Consistent. Strong. He needs to act swiftly. Bring me to tears every time. Keep going. Make me repentant. Scold me. Dominate. Set boundaries and rules and enforce them consistently and effectively. Not tolerate attitude from me. Establish his position as my superior. My Boss. It will take a great deal of time and effort. <br />
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And for me, the breaking in. The submission. The learning to accept disobedience disciplines in addition to punishment when I try to refuse the spanking. The sassiness and sarcasm. I must learn to stay quiet and bite my tongue. Learnto take his words and swallow my pride not to fight back. Know that he can say whatever he chooses, behave how he chooses, but I must be respectful to him in every manner. Speak to him with the upmost respect, even when I am angry with him. Learn that when I am mad, I need to hold my tongue and request to speak about it later when I am calm and can speak respectfully-knowing that if I don’t, I will be punished right then. I must learn to be humble and let him vent to me, criticize me, and NOT smart mouth back. I cannot make excuses. I must simply respond with “I’m sorry”. <br />
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I must learn to willingly and without resistance(or delay) accept the pain, which will be intense and more than likely occur more than twice a week. I must learn to be humble to him. Accept being humiliated and stripped of my pride. I need to accept that I belong to him in every sense of the word. If I misbehave, I get punished. I have no say in what punishment is fair- it is entirely up to him. When he wants to cum, I make him cum, however he chooses. I always readily accept sex. Gratefully. I do my chores. I write in my journal. I take care of the kids. I log my expenses. I appreciate the life he has given me. All of these things we need to learn. Once we do, life will be so good for us. We just have to get there. <br />
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I remember last time I was agitated a lot. I needed to be kept on a shorter leash. I think we really need to have nightly communications immediately following the kids bedtime to discuss the day. Again before bedtime. If we have tension, he can effectively spank it out of me at those times to avoid a buildup of friction. Perhaps if he is too tired to spank me he could send me to bed early. Take my computer away. Stand me in the corner while my show is on television so I can hear it but can’t see it. Submit to spanking during commercials. Ground me. Ginger root me. Tell me to sleep in the bonus room or on the dog bed on the floor. Write a letter to him, discussing whatever he chooses. Perhaps telling him what I think my punishment should be. He, of course, could vary it to suit what he feels I deserve. <br />
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I think all of this pre stage is intimidating. I go back and forth. Once I have had my first spanking, or first few, I think I will be onboard 100%.Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-21984969718183367932009-07-21T16:51:00.000-07:002009-07-21T16:53:44.338-07:00To the BahamasWe are going to the Bahamas for a few days.. just me and my HOH. We are going to concentrate just on being together and regaining some intimacy. We are really going to delve into things! I'll be blogging next week when we get back!Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-32693736121078215842009-07-12T22:35:00.000-07:002009-07-12T22:41:23.613-07:00Back in Business!So I got a steroid injection last week from my Dr. It took about a week but my sciatic symptoms have finally dissapated. We went to a wedding this weekend and I was able to dance the night away. I think we are finally in the clear! We have discussed how to restart and we both agree that we need to schedule a night and just concentrate on re-entering LDD. We will go over what has happened over the past few weeks, how things have decayed around the house, without the discipline. If anything, we've realized what a positive effect LDD has had in our relationship. Its impact has been immense. I think making it work has become a priority to both of us. A definite transformational discipline is needed. We both need to get back into that mindset. My posts should get more regular as soon as we get back into the swing of things. Thanks everybody for sticking around!Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-57311718111106122892009-07-02T23:04:00.000-07:002009-07-02T23:13:30.044-07:00Waiting it Out..So, the Dr. thinks that I somehow locked my pelvis out of alignment... of all of the damnest things, seriously?!??!?! I have been walking like I am 87 and not 33. I think when my son (3) broke his foot, I did it. I have been carrying him around on my hip. We were doing light preemptives for awhile but have stopped until I get through this. <br /><br />The break has really taken its toll on us. We are sliding back into old, bad habits. I will be in need of some sort of transformational, or reintroductory, spanking when we get back into the swing of things. We both miss our LDD lifestyle. He has tried other forms of punishment, but nothing is as effective as an OTK bottom spanking. <br /><br />The interim has helped us both understand our committment to LDD and that we both want to continue with it. We are going to the Bahamas in a few weeks, just the two of us, and we hope to focus our time there are really establishing the HOH/submissive relationship. <br /><br />The break from sex has been excruiciating as well. We did it once in the pool in hopes of not putting pressure on my pelvis... it still did. We are all over eachother like teenagers! So maybe it will help with our intimacy. <br /><br />Anyway, I just wanted to give you all a status check. We are not giving up.. just working our way through it. I am rereading the LDD books- it is a whole new experience reading them after having been practicing. Thank you all for your comments and support. It is SOOOO nice to know that you are out there going through the same experiences!!!Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-1493171445093389242009-06-19T21:58:00.000-07:002009-06-19T22:00:16.999-07:00<p>I feel like I need to be punished. I am supposed to be keeping track of all of my expenses in a notebook and I have really gotten behind in it. I keep meaning to make it a priority, but it keeps slipping my mind. Being aware of the money I spend is an issue I need to work on and I have been negligent in my responsibilities. Rrrgh. Is it weird that I feel like I should be punished for this? I don’t know. I just feel like I should own up to it, I guess. </p><p>You would think after my punishment a few nights ago that I would have gotten on top of this... it has been a crazy week. That's not really an excuse, I just don't feel 100% focused. </p>Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-60338220491585450552009-06-19T12:39:00.001-07:002009-06-19T12:39:21.301-07:00Accountability Part 2So I e-mailed my list to my HOH. When he came home he told me to go upstairs and prepare for my maintenance. It really ended up being a combination of maintenance and punishment for falling behind in all of my duties, and for treating him with a lack of respect. <br />I was told to strip and lay face down across the bed. We discussed each point and what I needed to do in order to improve. I was then to write lines (varying from 5-20) for each item. He spanked me throughout the process. When we got to the items about my HOH and showing him the proper respect and devotion, he used figging, in addition to spanking. We had never used figging before and I must say that it is an intense experience. I wrote extremely fast. <br /><br />He held me afterwards and I thanked him. As part of my punishment, he took me from behind- with warming lube. Later that night, he pleasured me.<br /><br />I am still getting my morning preemptive spanking followed by sex. Things are going well.Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-1089155419086084542009-06-19T12:32:00.000-07:002009-06-19T12:35:37.114-07:00AccountabilitySo my HOH has given me instructions to list 15 things that I wanted to change about the way I live my life and grade my progress. The things I wanted to change are so broad, it is difficult to define in 15 specific things. I am going to grade myself pre-immobility. <br /><br />1. Organize the house- B. I have been doing a good job of this. The house has been clean every night, dishes done- for the most part. I was doing laundry daily. I cleaned out the pantry.<br /><br />2. Cooking- C. I have trying to make dinner. This is still a challenge to me. It is difficult to know what to make and how to fit it into my diet. I have been eating poorly.<br /><br />3. Quality Time with Kids- B+. We’ve had floor picnics and cooked together. My 5 year old and I spend some time together every day while the 3 year old is napping, doing puzzles, games, or painting nails.<br /><br />4. Respecting my HOH- B-. This is difficult to rate because my views and his views differ. There is no clear path of what is acceptable for me. I feel that I need to be punished more regularly for disrespect so I learn my place in this regard. <br /><br />5. Laundry-C. I started our strong by fell behind. I still have unfolded clothes on the table and bags in the bathroom.<br /><br />6. Swallowing- D. I don’t know what happened here, it’s like I lost the ability! Seriously, how does that happen??? I am gagging all the time now.<br /><br />7. Submit to my HOH- D. Overall, I am failing this, I think. I am not mentally submitting and randomly physically submitting. I need more consistency. I need more discipline for disobedience. It is a slippery slope and it is easy to fall back into bad habits. I know I need submission training.<br /><br />8. Adore my HOH- C. I think this goes hand in hand with submission. <br /><br />9. Let go during sex-D. I think this will improve as I gain more humility with my HOH. <br /><br />10. Teaching Our 3 year old- C. I have spent some time trying to teach him his letters. He can be difficult and I lose patience. <br /><br />11. Do a Project around the house per week- A-. I was very proactive with this. I had done the pantry and was moving into the kitchen cabinets. I think we I am back into the swing of things, this will fall into place.<br /><br />12. Keeping track of expenses-C-. I was 100% on track until last week, I think I haven’t written anything down since then. <br /><br />That’s all I have been able to come up with. Overall, I know I have made a step in the right direction, but since last week, have slid back into some bad habits. I need to refocus. I know that I am due for some intense discipline in the near future. I think it will help me to get back on track. I still don’t have 100% confidence that my HOH will swiftly and thoroughly hold me accountable for my infractions and it is letting me blow off my responsibilities. The more consistent my punishment, the harsher, the more I will improve my own consistency. I know my HOH is planning on buying the Loopy Johnny and ginger root to punish me through figging. I anticipate that he will become more strict in the future, which will help me to learn my boundaries. I know once I truly come to accept my place beneath his authority, we will be happier together. I need to learn that his word is law and that I do not question him. I haven’t gotten to that point yet. I want to better myself. I know we will get there together.Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-50073083429140980262009-06-17T13:55:00.000-07:002009-06-17T13:57:20.288-07:00Simply Out of SortsLife has been in fast forward since Friday night. My son, 3, jumped off of the bed and broke his foot. Saturday I went to a 12+ hour Bachelorette Party. Sunday morning I discovered that I am way too old to drink the way I did Saturday night. I have been struggling to recover ever since. I also pulled some muscle in my hamstring region and it has made going from sitting to standing and vice versa painful. I can’t get in to see an orthopedic for weeks yet. The muscle relaxers have knocked me out but failed to alleviate any of my symptoms.<br /> <br />As a result of all of this, I have not been a very good housewife at all. My HOH has been cutting me a great deal of slack while I don’t feel good but he is getting impatient. I know I am facing a big punishment soon. He mentioned buying a loopy Johnny and coming home with ginger root earlier today. It will not be pleasant for me, I am sure. I do have it coming, though. I know I haven’t been feeling good but it isn’t fair that he has to take on all of the extra burdens. I know that my attitude towards him hasn’t been very respectful either. His leniency hasn’t helped me to focus on him. I know I need the punishment. I want to get better, I do. I want to have the house clean when he comes home. I am just so tired and feel so bad. What is the right answer? I know he is wondering as well. Should he punish me regardless? Should I ask for one? Do we wait it out? I am uncertain as to whether I am taking advantage of feeling so bad in order to skirt my responsibilities. I don’t know. I am looking around and it is depressing to know how much work needs to be done around the house before Friday morning…. Ugh.Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-84182954632960548012009-06-10T14:05:00.000-07:002009-06-10T14:17:16.600-07:00I baked a cake???Yes, it is true. I actually baked a cake. Me, who has always been the anti-cook, spent the afternoon baking with my kids the other day. My HOH was thrilled when he came home to the smell of a freshly baked cake. Something must be working.<br /><br />My daily preemptives have been effective to keep me in line. For the most part they are light, mostly just reminders that he is committed to LDD. Although today I do feel a little snarky. I might need a longer Maintenance before this weekend. We'll see. I haven't needed to be punished all week so far, so that's an improvement. Either I am getting better or my HOH is getting lax. I guess we'll have to see what the rest of the week entails. <br /><br />I need to get going. I want the house ready when my HOH gets home. I just wanted to check in adn let you all know how we are doing. I know I am still sassy with my HOH and I need to work on that. I still don't know my boundaries when it comes to that. At what point am I being disrespectful as opposed to sarcastic. Is sarcasm not aloud anymore? He's had to tell me to watch my mouth, which sometimes pisses me off. I want to say, "really?" I haven't been disciplined for it so it is a little confusing... acceptable or not? <br /><br />I also started my period yesterday and am horny as hell. We had sex yesterday beforehand. I have gotten used to the spanking/sex combo and not getting it this morning has been causing all sorts of havoc within me today!Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-39907662192343513212009-06-07T14:54:00.001-07:002009-06-07T14:54:35.420-07:00Back on TrackFriday night my HOH came up to me and simply told me to go upstairs. I complied. I had a 30 minute spanking. It was very therapeutic. We cuddled afterwards, talked, and reconnected. We exchanged oral and made love. Saturday the kids slept out and we went on a date. It was very nice. This morning I had another maintenance spanking before we made love. We talked about what we both wanted from each other and what we needed. I will continue to get preemptive spankings in the morning and each night after the kids go to bed. For the most part, they will be reminder spankings to help keep me focused. Hopefully, I will not need a harsh punishment discipline. <br /><br />So, we are back on track. We are in a good place together. Ah, the ups and downs…. Thanks to Claire for your website recommendations and to Ali for your wonderful insights! It is so comforting to know that you are out there and understand all of these emotions. It’s nice to not be alone in going through all of this. We don’t know anybody who uses DD in their lives and it isn’t the type of thing you bring up randomly at dinner. Having some support has been wonderful!Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-66789266318530430782009-06-05T10:28:00.000-07:002009-06-05T10:29:01.589-07:00In the Light of DayThank you everybody who has been leaving comments on this blog. We have been reading them and discussing them and I really appreciate your time and interest in us. I haven’t figured out how to Respond to them yet (if somebody can offer some assistance , that would be great…) but you are not being ignored. Thanks for your input!<br /><br />Okay, so light of day, morning after point of view. I don’t know where I want to go from here. Part of me is fed up with LDD because I don’t know if my husband can really truly be the Dominant enough to make this work AND I don’t know if I can relinquish control enough to properly submit. There are times when I really want to, that maybe I would be less conflicted, more happy and settled, if I could just surrender like that, but I don’t know if I am really capable of it. I don’t know if my HOH can bring that out of me. The control is a lot to give up and, although I want to, I don’t know if I can 100% do it. <br /><br />The other part of me wishes that he would have just overpowered me last night and broken me into submission once and for all. I was so emotionally charged but was so cut off from him. He knows I shut him out emotionally last night. He took it. He was hurt and angered by it, but he took it. <br /><br />I am frustrated. Last week, after my introductory discipline, I felt this shift in my inner self. It felt wonderful, safe, protected. Now I feel like I have shifted back to where I was before, only let more unsettled. I’m angry, almost. Does any of this make sense?Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-36119702364564544192009-06-04T20:22:00.000-07:002009-06-04T20:23:07.451-07:00So the evening did go as planned. My HOH came home and was very happy with all of the work I accomplished around the house today. So far, so good. He even offered and made dinner for the family. Still good. We all ate together and the kids were in rare form. I think my son might be getting sick because he basically threw a tantrum for 90 minutes straight. This clearly was weighing on our nerves. After the kids went to bed my HOH started to show his stress. At first, he was complaining about all of the stress he’s dealing with at work. Then it evolved into all of the work he’s been doing and that he still has so much work to do around the house. This really pissed me off. The house is clean. CLEAN. Seriously, there was maybe 30 minutes of putting away the clothes on the dresser and straightening up the kids’ rooms at bedtime. There were four big, heavy trash bags in the kitchen full of all of the crap I threw out while cleaning out the pantry. He’s been in a ridiculously cranky SOB mood, pretty much nonstop since the weekend. Maybe not the entire time, but I have to admit that it seems that way to me.<br /><br />I know he’s dealing with a lot of shit at work. I get that. I know he’s tired. But, whether as a result of LDD or not, I feel extremely reactive to his mood swings and they are pushing me far and away from him. I feel such a disconnect as a result of all of this tension. I feel attacked and alienated by his attitudes and behaviors. I was doing the dishes and my sciatic was giving me problems, so I asked him if he minded finishing them up so I could lie down. He told me that was fine with him. Less than five minutes later he says “I’m glad you are enjoying laying down while I am still doing all of this work.” Seriously? WTF??? The entire night went like that. I know he’s not intentionally taking out his aggravations on me, but I am getting hit by the crossfire. I am just tired of it all. I am definitely pulling away from submission. It is too vulnerable a place to be in. I simply don’t feel confident under his control. He’s been too careless with himself over the past few days. I am questioning whether we were in the right place to start LDD. Maybe we need a break??? Suggestions? If you would like to read his side- I don’t know if he’s blogged about it yet- his page is <a href="http://www.lovemylddwife.blogspot.com/">www.lovemylddwife.blogspot.com</a><br /><br />Needless to say, there was no maintenance discipline tonight.Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-40907841590907113382009-06-04T11:07:00.000-07:002009-06-04T11:16:35.201-07:00My massage last night was wonderful. I came home and went right to bed. This morning we made love. No spanking at all. I will have my Maintenance Spanking tonight and my HOH felt that was sufficient to keep me motivated to be productive today. So far, the day has been crazy. My kitchen WAS spotless this morning but I have spent all day cleaning out the pantry. I am taking a break right now to eat lunch. My kids have been playing "Disneyworld" upstairs. I hope they haven't been creating a disaster zone. I will go check in on them in a few... Geez, how do wives do this everyday and still have the energy to make dinner? Once I get the house really in order, things will settle down, I'm sure... but shit, I need a nap! <br /><br />I think tonight's Maintenance Discipline will be good for us. I haven't <em>really </em>had a long spanking session since last Friday. I am due for it. Not that I am really looking forward to it, but I am focusing on the after effect. That will be good. I hope. I have been very good this week, I think. It should be a positive reinforcement type of discipline. Reminding me of my place and my obligations. Alright, back to the freaking pantry...Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-30812279457362988092009-06-03T13:02:00.000-07:002009-06-03T13:04:38.967-07:00I had a very light preemptive this morning. He was running late for work so I didn’t get my sex. I have been thinking about it all day long and I don’t know if that’s really a positive or a negative… I took both kids to the mall. We met a friend of mine and her three kids. It was controlled chaos. Taking five kids to lunch should merit a reward. <br /><br />Watching them five of them on the playground was so stressful. One would always be hiding behind something. It is the type of thing that frays your nerves. It was 1,2,3,4,5. Look- 1,2,3,4,5. 1,2,3,4… where the fuck…. 5!!! Dear Lord. I hate the mall playground. Then they rode the merry go round. It would have made more sense to simply buy a merry go round for the house. For the price that I paid for each kid to ride one time, the purchase would have paid for itself. <br /><br />We didn’t get home until after 2pm. I am completely exhausted. I still need to make dinner and clean the kitchen and family room. My daughter is asking for Chinese food already. Maybe she can convine her father. I support her choice, that's for sure. <br /><br />I was supposed to clean out the pantry today as well. I don’t know if I can do it. I hope it is alright to push it off until tomorrow. I am struggling to stay awake. I have a massage tonight and I am so excited. Even though my hubby has established himself as the HOH, he still pampers me. I love it. I just hope I don’t fall asleep during my massage… I am falling asleep right now.Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-64275581923360483172009-06-02T12:16:00.000-07:002009-06-02T12:18:16.568-07:00Yesterday we had a very good day. We went to the baseball game with some of my HOH’s work people. He complimented me on being an excellent arm piece. <br /><br />This morning I was awaken in order to receive my Daily Preemptive Discipline. It was very light due to my good behavior yesterday. I thanked him orally and we made love. This was the second day in a row that we had sex after my preemptive discipline. It has been wonderful for us to connect intimately like that first thing in the morning.Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-76474082992681110522009-06-01T08:38:00.000-07:002009-06-01T08:39:21.808-07:00Week EndsWhat a weekend. We had our ups and downs. Saturday we had a lot of running around to do. It was chaos. We got the ALDD Book 1 in the mail, and my HOH read almost the entire thing Saturday night. He was experimenting with my submission Saturday, having me strip and spread my legs, that sort of thing. It was fine. I did well. <br /><br />Yesterday we went to his parents’ house to swim. He was in a shitty, crabby mood. When he’s like that, it is very tough for me to understand how I am supposed to act. I tried to be respectful, I really did, but he was acting all dominant simply for the sake of it. He really didn’t need anything, it was like he was testing me simply because he was pissy. Now, I want to be submissive, yes, but I am simply not there yet. I feel like he expects me to behave like I have been living the lifestyle for months and months (as opposed to one week) but he can’t even follow through with the proper maintenance schedule for one week! <br /><br />We are still, clearly, trying to figure it out. We had a bedtime talk last night about all of this. I told him that, although I started the week feeling very intimately connected with him (following my first true, and most effective discipline) as the week progressed, I felt more and more disconnect. I don’t know if this was in direct relation to the missed Maintenance Spankings or not. <br /><br />He told me this morning that he was recommitted to making this work. I got my Preemptive this morning and he left for work. I guess we’ll see how the day progresses. This in between stage of no longer having control, but not yet let it go completely is ridiculously confusing for both of us.Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-29858568616110673602009-05-30T20:32:00.000-07:002009-05-30T20:46:30.756-07:00True Submission?I was disciplined last night. I was told to strip and sent to the corner for a little while, then spanked OTK for about 30 minutes. He is still experimenting with implements so I got a taste or the belt, brush, crop and paddle. I DID cry. Now, granted, we are new to this, but I didn't have the same release, or feeling of adoration afterwards. While he was scolding me I felt like he was being unfair with his comments and it angered me. I didn't dare challenge him, I physically submit to the spanking, but emotionally I was defiant. I stopped crying. It was weird, like I had put up a barrier or something. I know he sensed this as well. <br /><br />When I was in the corner afterwards, he actually told me not to spend the time being angry at him but to focus on my misbehaviors... this angered me more. I was silent, but fuming. I still thanked him, but I wasn't "in awe" of him like I have been after being disciplined in the past. We spoke about it afterwards and I know he was worried that I was going to want to quit. I told him that he probably should have "spanked me through it" but I don't know. I figure there is a learning curve. <br /><br />I still feel like I am "superficially submitting". How do I break through that? I guess it just takes time? We will push onward.<br /><br />My HOH says that I am only submitting when I am in the mood... after all of last night, when my daughter woke up during the night, I was lazy and made my HOH get up to check on her. I ended up getting up as well, but only after he went in there. He was mad. He ended up taking my ass without any lube. He has taken to use this as punishment. <br /><br />This morning I had my preemptive spanking. I think these are going to go on for awile, at least until I have a few days in a row where I don't earn discipline. <br /><br />Was I crazy for wanting to do this? At times I question my sanity. I wonder if this will be just a phase for us. I wish I could get my act together and do the things I should be doing around the house, be the Mother my kids deserve to have, just because I should. Why do I need LDD? I don't know, but, I do. It really helps. It motivates me. It connects me to my HOH. <br /><br />Do I see my HOH spanking me ten years from now? I think I do. I, of course, hope it is mainly maintenance, but I think that if we are still living LDD, then it has worked for us. It will be nice to look back and not have guilt for wasting my days. I have already felt the benefits of that.<br /><br />I am still in the honeymoon phase, I think. It sometimes feels like a game. I think there will be a reckoning when I don't want to "play" and my HOH pushes me through it into a deeper level of submission. I wish I were already there. This wishy washy place sucks. I am getting punished a lot. I am trying to get there! My HO is reading ALDD 1. There are a lot of humiliation tactics in there. Maybe that is what I need to finally let go and give it all in to him. I will be much happier to fully submit and rid myself of all of this baggage!Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7555815321227849959.post-48492498675619375262009-05-29T09:06:00.000-07:002009-05-29T09:10:18.258-07:00Belted in the GarageI just got belted in the garage for disrespect. I deserved it. He told me that I have a discipline spanking coming to me tonight- I deserve that too. <br /><br />I have been feeling snarky all day. I was lazy this morning, not wanting to get out of bed. I came downstairs and the dog had pooped in the hearth room. I took them outside and nearly got my arm pulled off when they charged the neighbor’s dog. I put them in the basement, which smells like dog shit as well. I didn’t even look for it downstairs because I was so damn irritated with them. My kids are fighting. It is just one of those days. So when my HOH called, I was not in a good place. <br /><br />Also, for the first time this week, I didn’t get a preemptive spanking in the morning. My HOH has also pushed off the Maintenance Spanking that was supposed to happen Wednesday, was pushed to Thursday, but still hasn’t happened. He is under a lot of stress with work and has been up late preparing for that. I don't know if any of tha contributed to my mood today or not.<br /><br />Anyway, I was very short with him on the phone. He had called to say that he was coming home before his big deposition in order to get a quick kiss and some support and confidence. The phone conversation was basically me spilling all of the crap that I had been dealing with so far today. Then, to add insult to injury, I was snappy with him and very disrespectful. I basically hung up on him. He called back to tell me that he was coming home for one minute and to meet him in the garage. I knew that I was going to get punished.<br /><br />When I met him outside I really struggled with my submission. I really wanted to argue with him. I felt that he was only using LDD when it suited him because he hasn’t been consistent with his discipline. I think that the too lenient treatment this week has made me uncertain as to whether he can thoroughly carry me through this lifestyle in order to make it beneficial in the long term. <br /><br />It was difficult to keep quiet. In fact, at one point he said to me “Are you really going to argue with me about this right now?” After that, I kept my mouth shut. He told me to drop my pants and bend over the car. He took off his belt and spanked me enough to leave a lasting sting. Afterwards I apologized for my behavior and kissed him. He told me that I would be getting a discipline spanking tonight and that I needed to change my behavior or I would be grounded from going out with my girlfriend. I said okay. He left to go take his deposition.<br /><br />When I came inside I immediately went upstairs and cleaned up the mess the kids had made. Then I sat down to journal. I guess I really needed that. I feel more focused on the things I need to do today. I also feel very remorseful for the way I treated him on the phone. He is under s great deal of stress and I am contributing to it. I am supposed to be his safe haven to relieve tension, not force more upon him. I hope the rest of his day goes better.Adoreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06730351711506768131noreply@blogger.com0