Restlessness

Hey all.  I am sorry we have been MIA for so long.  I have a herniated disc and it has sucked.  My HOH would not spank me while I have been having these back issues. 

These are a few journal entries from the last few weeks I thought I would post.  We have been working on an LDD contract over the past few months, filling in the void, if you will.  We are actually back into the swing of things,  I got my first punishment spanking last night after months without....
We had decided to start again.  We went to see Phantom of the Opera last night.  Apparently before dinner, I rolled my eyes at something he said.  He decided to spank me for disrespect.  By the time we got home, I had no idea what he was talking about.  We ended up having a huge argument which brought out a lot of anger and resentment we have developed for eachother.  He has been very busy at work and has been doing almost everything at home for the past few months- since I have become an invalid.  I am unsatisfied with our current sex life- also hindered because of my back.  After we calmed down, he told me that he went about it the wrong way, but that I DID deserve a spanking, especially after the fight.  I agreed.  I learned the wrath of the loopy johnny for the first time after that and it hurt like a bitch!!!!  I will be updating more frequently now.  I can post our tentative rules aka "LDD Contract" if anybody has interest...

Here are the journal entries from the past couple of weeks.




9.13.09



I feel like it has been SO long since I have typed a journal entry. It has been a hellacious summer. My daughter broke her collar bone, then my son broke his foot. I have been dealing with a herniated disk. It has been brutal. I know that my HOH has been dealing with a lot of the household chores and responsibilities- well, all of them actually. He is ready and eager to start over with the LDD relationship.

I am too, I think. I go back and forth between really wanting to longterm commit. Sometimes I see that this would do wonders for our marriage. It could be that spark that keeps us connected both emotionally and physically. I have felt something to be lacking and this could be the answer. I like the idea of it- the submission. Letting go. All of the emotional transformation that comes along with LDD. I won’t lie that the thought of it always makes me wet. I masturbate thinking about being submissive, but then, after I cum, I feel like I am crazy for seriously considering it. I fear the degree of punishment I will need in order to truly submit to his Actual Authority over me, to get through the Superficial Submission and obtain True Submission.





9.27.09

Okay, so I guess we are getting close to recommitting to the lifestyle and I am a little bit, well, a lot bit, wondering what is wrong with me for considering this. Do I really want to give up my control? My independence? Do I really want to have to swallow my pride and bite my tongue in order to avoid being spanked until I cry? I mean, REALLY??? Forever be spanked for being sarcastic or calling him out on his oversensitivity or short temper? I don’t know if I can do it. I mean, I want to better our marriage. I think that he would be happier with it for certain. I don’t mean the spanking, per se, but the affects of the submission. The actual spanking will be time consuming and demands a great deal of effort and commitment. He will be tired and not want to follow through all of the time.

I wonder if he can really do it. 100% I know I will test him. Brat. And if he can’t be strict and thorough, it will only cause friction between us. I know that I can withstand a lot. I am dreading the pain that I will need to receive in order to really sob. Every time. Ugh. Again, I question my sanity? I really want to be made to cry from pain? I have a good thing going here as is….. but he is not happy. And I am not happy. Not really. I just don’t understand why THIS is what we need. But then I think back to how I felt while we were doing it and I can see the potential. I was truly enamored by him. His strength. His power. The sound of his Firm Voice made me wet. Made me want to please him. Emotionally and Physically.

Now he treats me like a Queen. He pampers me. Coddles me. But I have no limits. No repercussions. I am truly not accountable for anything. I can be mean, be rude, and life goes on. But I carry guilt and feel more disconnect. I am dominant, but inherently need to be taken in hand. I don’t want the burdens of paying bills, worrying about money, dealing with any of that crap. But I am basically freeloading in the marriage. I decide when we have sex. I decide whether we go here or there. I decide when I clean. I need to break these habits. It makes my HOH feel used, unloved, and disrespected. I know LDD will change all of this. I am not happy that we need this. I am not sure how it is going to play out. Am I committing to a lifetime of maintenance spankings? Will I be spanked 15 years from now for failing to call when I am on my way home? I don’t know. Maybe. I guess. Am I hoping for that? Would that mean that it worked? I mean, if we are going to do this, we need to do it. Forever, right? I mean, if I accept him as my HOH I need to accept that I will be spanked harshly. I am very strong willed. I just don’t know how long and how hard I will resist submission. True submission. I think that is the goal. Getting there will suck. I need to believe with 100% certainty that bad behavior will 100% of the time result in such a punishment – to the point where I behave because I am afraid of the punishment. I think the learning curve of that point will be difficult for the both of us.

I know that I will not want the discipline at times. I will try to get out of them when I reach the fight or flight stage. He will have to push through it. I am afraid both that he will not be able to push through and apply sufficient discipline (too soft or too short) and, at the same time, I am afraid that he WILL be able to push through and the pain will be unbearable. I read a story on a punishment blog where the HOH was worried because his wife wouldn’t answer her cell and didn’t tell him where she was going… he was so relieved when she came home and he just held her for awhile. Then he told her that she was very irresponsible and that behavior like that was not to be tolerated. He was going to spank her with his hand, belt, paddle, and strap the next night so harshly that she would never behave so irresponsibly again. The next night she pled with him that she was sorry. He just replied that she was about to become even sorrier. He told her that she was going to be spanked, not killed. She would survive this and be fine- a better wife as a result of it. I keep trying to convince myself of that. It will hurt but the pain will end. It was MY bad behavior earned the spanking. I will learn a lesson and be a better wife, person, because of it.

I keep thinking of all of those television shows from the 1950s. I remember Ricky putting Lucy over his knee to spank her. It used to be commonly accepted that a husband could discipline his wife however he saw fit. I trust mine to handle my discipline however he feels is necessary to better our lives. There really can be only one Master in a household. He has been trying to sustain our family both outside and inside of the home. It is too stressful for him and he resents me for it. I bully him. He resents me for that too. I resent that I can bully him. It has made me lazy. Unappreciative. What he does is never enough for me. Thinking about being that ideal submissive wife sounds so freeing. I think he would cherish me more- if that is possible. I think I would appreciate it so much more. Ultimately, I don’t think I would be giving up any true liberties, going out, doing things that are fun and important to me- but I would be more appreciative, respectful, earn those things. See them as privileges. Appreciate my lifestyle.

Okay, I guess that I know that this would all be good. The only bad part is those first few months. The commitment on his part to physically restrain me if necessary. To punish me when I should be punished and not let things slide. To be firm. Thorough. Consistent. Strong. He needs to act swiftly. Bring me to tears every time. Keep going. Make me repentant. Scold me. Dominate. Set boundaries and rules and enforce them consistently and effectively. Not tolerate attitude from me. Establish his position as my superior. My Boss. It will take a great deal of time and effort.

And for me, the breaking in. The submission. The learning to accept disobedience disciplines in addition to punishment when I try to refuse the spanking. The sassiness and sarcasm. I must learn to stay quiet and bite my tongue. Learnto take his words and swallow my pride not to fight back. Know that he can say whatever he chooses, behave how he chooses, but I must be respectful to him in every manner. Speak to him with the upmost respect, even when I am angry with him. Learn that when I am mad, I need to hold my tongue and request to speak about it later when I am calm and can speak respectfully-knowing that if I don’t, I will be punished right then. I must learn to be humble and let him vent to me, criticize me, and NOT smart mouth back. I cannot make excuses. I must simply respond with “I’m sorry”.

I must learn to willingly and without resistance(or delay) accept the pain, which will be intense and more than likely occur more than twice a week. I must learn to be humble to him. Accept being humiliated and stripped of my pride. I need to accept that I belong to him in every sense of the word. If I misbehave, I get punished. I have no say in what punishment is fair- it is entirely up to him. When he wants to cum, I make him cum, however he chooses. I always readily accept sex. Gratefully. I do my chores. I write in my journal. I take care of the kids. I log my expenses. I appreciate the life he has given me. All of these things we need to learn. Once we do, life will be so good for us. We just have to get there.

I remember last time I was agitated a lot. I needed to be kept on a shorter leash. I think we really need to have nightly communications immediately following the kids bedtime to discuss the day. Again before bedtime. If we have tension, he can effectively spank it out of me at those times to avoid a buildup of friction. Perhaps if he is too tired to spank me he could send me to bed early. Take my computer away. Stand me in the corner while my show is on television so I can hear it but can’t see it. Submit to spanking during commercials. Ground me. Ginger root me. Tell me to sleep in the bonus room or on the dog bed on the floor. Write a letter to him, discussing whatever he chooses. Perhaps telling him what I think my punishment should be. He, of course, could vary it to suit what he feels I deserve.

I think all of this pre stage is intimidating. I go back and forth. Once I have had my first spanking, or first few, I think I will be onboard 100%.