The Day After

5.25.09
I woke up this morning and got out of bed before 8am. Helped make breakfast with the kids and HOH and spent some time with the kids. I copied down my journal in lieu of reading my fanfiction stories, so that is a huge step for me. Looking back on last night’s discipline and I am happy, although, I have a better understanding of why frequent maintenance spankings are so vital. I already feel a slide backwards. It saddens me.
Towards the end of my maintenance spanking last night, the pain was getting pretty intense. I didn’t know how much more I could take. I cried out at one point. I was so relieved when he stopped. I wonder, (and I hesitate to even write this down, knowing that my HOH will read it, but I want to make an honest go at change), if he should have kept going. I wonder if the pain would have brought me to tears. It was getting bad. I wonder if that level of pain should have been the true start of the discipline. Today I can look back and say, yeah, it was uncomfortable, but I could do it again… I should probably be thinking, I will be on my best behavior to never have to endure that again.
Of course, it was a maintenance spanking, so maybe that is a good standard to have. It left a reminder of how bad a discipline spanking has the potential to be. I have yet to get a discipline spanking so I don’t really have a standard to compare it to. I have light bruising, so he did really well. I can sit without a problem, though, so we might need to work on that (again, maybe that is distinction between maintenance and punishment). I want to have a constant reminder, to keep me focused. Unfortunately, I need that reminder. I hope to get to the point where I don’t. That I just do because it is in the best interest of my family. I think I have a ways to go to achieve true submission. Today we are spending the day with my HOH’s family. I guess that will be a good test. We will see if the discipline from last night carries through today or if I will end up back over his knee again tonight.
We had a great time at my HOH’s parents’ house today. I didn’t realize the impact our new lifestyle would have on things I never considered before. It makes me aware of how crappy I have treated people in the past. After we were finished eating lunch, I got up and started to clean up the buffet. Literally everybody commented that they were in shock that I was helping. I just wanted to contribute, I didn’t realize how spoiled behavior had been up until now. Well, that’s not entirely true. I didn’t care how spoiled I had been up until now. Things feel different now. I know that I am being monitored and I want to make my HOH proud. I want him to see the effort I am making to be a better person.
He told me tonight that I had good actions today but that my reactionary responses need a lot of work. I tend to put him down or not include him in conversations. He gave me a warning tonight, which I appreciate. I understand that if this behavior were to continue, I would get spanked because of it.
I will get a Preemptive Spanking every morning this week to keep me motivated. I am exhausted now. I am going to bed soon.
I still don’t think I’ve had my “Come to Jesus” moment of “This is my life now. I will get punished for bad behavior.” Part of me still feels like we are playing a little sexual game together and that we will move on to something else in a few days, or weeks. I think when I am ready to quit, assert that, get a Disobedience Spanking, reality will start to set it. After I truly accept that I will always get disciplined for disobedience, including laziness, dishonesty, or disrespect, I think the true, lasting behavior modifications will begin.