My First Day on my own...

5.26.09
I posted this comment to LDDLoving.blogspot.com-
“We are new to the LDD lifestyle. Other than the introductory discipline, which led me to tears, I have had one maintenance and one pre-emptive spanking. I am enjoying the benefits of LDD and my HOH is as well. I physically submit to him very well. I have changed some bad habits already and have treated him more respectfully.
I do, however, still feel like we are playing a game, like we are in “honeymoon” stage, if that makes sense. I still feel like I can stop playing whenever I want. Like today, I have spent more time on the computer than he wants me to, and I am feeling a little ambivalent about the whole thing- AND I got a pre-emptive spanking this morning! Is there any way for me to get past this and truly submit? Does it just take time? Is there something we can do?
I want to embrace LDD, but I am clearly emotionally holding back. I keep thinking that there will come a time when my husband will go to punish me, I resist, and he follows through with a disobedience punishment. Is that the only way to really get to that level of submission? To push through it like that? I don’t want to keep testing him if there is some way to avoid it. Mentally I am going back and forth between submission and blowing it off. It is like a ping pong game in my head.”
I have made some positive improvements today. I was out of bed and showered before either one of my kids woke up. They both wanted fruit for breakfast, which was fine with me. I have done a couple loads of laundry and have played checkers with my daughter. I noticed that when my kids asked me for something, I did think about it and get up rather quickly (in the past I procrastinated…). They ate lunch. I spent very little time on the phone. I quickly cleaned up the dishes after they were used and straightened up after the kids so that my HOH would return to a clean house.
I did, however, spend a great deal of time on the computer. Not necessarily reading fanfiction (I am a Twilight addict), but reading up on LDD. I think maybe I shouldn’t be online this much, but my kids are so happy to be home together and playing so well together that I don’t want to bother them. I guess I should have spent that time cleaning upstairs instead of sitting down… I don’t know. I folded all of th clothes I laundered. It is hard to find the balance. I kept the kids in their jammies, which might upset my HOH, but then, we weren’t going anywhere and they are so comfortable.
I still feel mentally ambivalent, which is surprising, after getting a preemptive spanking this morning. Is this right? Is it a slow process to change? I am still eager, of course, but less gung ho, I guess.