True Submission?

I was disciplined last night. I was told to strip and sent to the corner for a little while, then spanked OTK for about 30 minutes. He is still experimenting with implements so I got a taste or the belt, brush, crop and paddle. I DID cry. Now, granted, we are new to this, but I didn't have the same release, or feeling of adoration afterwards. While he was scolding me I felt like he was being unfair with his comments and it angered me. I didn't dare challenge him, I physically submit to the spanking, but emotionally I was defiant. I stopped crying. It was weird, like I had put up a barrier or something. I know he sensed this as well.

When I was in the corner afterwards, he actually told me not to spend the time being angry at him but to focus on my misbehaviors... this angered me more. I was silent, but fuming. I still thanked him, but I wasn't "in awe" of him like I have been after being disciplined in the past. We spoke about it afterwards and I know he was worried that I was going to want to quit. I told him that he probably should have "spanked me through it" but I don't know. I figure there is a learning curve.

I still feel like I am "superficially submitting". How do I break through that? I guess it just takes time? We will push onward.

My HOH says that I am only submitting when I am in the mood... after all of last night, when my daughter woke up during the night, I was lazy and made my HOH get up to check on her. I ended up getting up as well, but only after he went in there. He was mad. He ended up taking my ass without any lube. He has taken to use this as punishment.

This morning I had my preemptive spanking. I think these are going to go on for awile, at least until I have a few days in a row where I don't earn discipline.

Was I crazy for wanting to do this? At times I question my sanity. I wonder if this will be just a phase for us. I wish I could get my act together and do the things I should be doing around the house, be the Mother my kids deserve to have, just because I should. Why do I need LDD? I don't know, but, I do. It really helps. It motivates me. It connects me to my HOH.

Do I see my HOH spanking me ten years from now? I think I do. I, of course, hope it is mainly maintenance, but I think that if we are still living LDD, then it has worked for us. It will be nice to look back and not have guilt for wasting my days. I have already felt the benefits of that.

I am still in the honeymoon phase, I think. It sometimes feels like a game. I think there will be a reckoning when I don't want to "play" and my HOH pushes me through it into a deeper level of submission. I wish I were already there. This wishy washy place sucks. I am getting punished a lot. I am trying to get there! My HO is reading ALDD 1. There are a lot of humiliation tactics in there. Maybe that is what I need to finally let go and give it all in to him. I will be much happier to fully submit and rid myself of all of this baggage!