Making the decision to enter into LDD

5.24.09
Tonight I am going to get my Introductory Discipline. I am excited to start living the LDD lifestyle. I am eager to change the way I live and the way I interact with my family. Just thinking about it has a physical, and sexual, reaction within me. My HOH using his command tone this morning did that to me as well. But it is a two sided sword… With all of the benefits that LDD will bring, I am still caught up in the “play” aspect of it. I don’t know it the “actuality” of it will be something I can live with. Already, I have challenged it. In the kitchen, with my HOH when he went to punish me, I resisted. I think that truly submitting will be difficult for me. I am afraid of enduring the pain of the spanking as well. It will not be pleasant and I know I am going to want to quit once we get into it. I am going to struggle with the obedience. I hope to work through it because I DO really want to be better for my kids. I don’t know what else to do to get myself there. I am wasting time with them. Urgh. Still I am not sure if I am prepared to chew what I have decided to bite off. We shall see.
2 minutes until I have to go upstairs. Seriously freaking out. Like, before a depo or before giving a speech freaking out. Plus seriously fear of pain, like laser hair or having to run at exercise. Almost nauseaus… questioning why the hell I suggested this stupid idea.