Last Night... Revisited.

I read my HOH’s blog (www.lovemylddwife.blogspot.com) his version of what happened last night. It gave me a better understanding and perspective of how things went downhill so quickly. When he came upstairs and looked around the bedroom, he thought immediately that I could have been cleaning more efficiently. I was being lazy, and therefore, both disobedient and disrespectful. He had a lot of work to do and was faced with the extra burden of dealing with the things that needed to be done, that I didn’t do. He was irritated and resentful. I was adding to his stress. We discussed this later and both agreed that, at that point, I should have been punished. He refused my advances because he was irritated with me. He was worried about time and was anxious to get the room finished so he could do his work. When I shut down, he knew what was happening. It both saddened and angered him. I made him feel horrible. Again, when we discussed this later, we agreed that I should have been properly punished at that time.

Last night was also a missed opportunity to test my emotional submission to my HOH. I think he didn’t press it, and I didn’t truly force him to press it, because our LDD lifestyle is still in its fragile early stages. We were both nervous that if shaken too hard, it would have shattered. We had a good talk about this later on. It might have been necessary for us to experience this with each other, in order to move forward. I think if this were to happen tonight, I would immediately be punished. We both learned from the experience and were able to get a better look at ourselves through each other’s perceptions. It was educational and we gained a lot from it.

After our heart to heart discussion about what happened last night, I think we both realized our mistakes. I told him that I felt like I was still owed a punishment after behaving the way I did. The cause for it all was my laziness, which is the exact behavior I am trying to modify. He agreed and decided to dry fuck my ass as punishment. It hurt, but I readily submit to him. I had already been spanked and given extra chores.

This morning I received another preemptive discipline. This time I got the riding crop. It was more intense than yesterday’s. So far, we are on Day3 and I know I have a long way to go. I have already been disciplined for three incidents of misbehavior. I am due for my Maintenance Spanking tonight.

Although I do not relish the idea of pain, I do feel that I need more substantial spankings. I think to get to the point where I am really on my toes and doing my chores, I need to have that genuine fear of the spanking. Right now, if I misbehave, I know that I will be punished, but I also know that the punishment is endurable. It hurts at the time, but then I am fine afterwards. I think I understand what the LDD website is inferring with harsher disciplines. It leaves a lasting effect. I would be less likely to be sloppy if I knew I was going to be spanked, really spanked, to the point of not being able to sit down afterwards. Like I said, I am not a sadist, I don’t really want to endure discipline like that, but I think that it would be exponentially more effective, and I think that it the goal of LDD. I know I will regret this, but I do want this to work. I want this to be they way we live, not just a few weeks passing fancy.

I know that it is not easy for my HOH to spank me like this. He doesn’t want to hurt me. But he is learning that I, myself am the sole cause of my discipline. It is my own misbehavior that warrants the punishment. He is tapping into his dominant male hormones and is drawing his strength from that. He is spanking me to tears to instill in me a much needed attitude adjustment, a shift in my thinking. I am not the center of the world and I have other responsibilities. I am being taught behavior modification and it is for my own personal growth and well being. When I am more obedient and respectful, he has more freedom and can be more relaxed.

When I am being held accountable for my misbehavior, I am filled with less guilt and can be more relaxed. My marriage is better because my HOH doesn’t harbor resentment against me. He is happier with his life. He can enjoy his life more. He can enjoy his kids more. He feels more loved, adored, and respected- and in reality, he is. My kids are happier because they are given a new and improved version of their mother, a Mother who is more devoted, more committed to being a better person. Everybody wins. Well, except for my bottom, of course, but I think that’s the motivating factor to improve!

Keeping up these blogs have been both very therapeutic and informational for the both of us. I still wish we could connect with another LDD couple to have somebody to talk to about all of the emotions involved with this lifestyle. I hope we can meet other couples- I would love to have another LDD wife to learn from.