I feel like I need to be punished. I am supposed to be keeping track of all of my expenses in a notebook and I have really gotten behind in it. I keep meaning to make it a priority, but it keeps slipping my mind. Being aware of the money I spend is an issue I need to work on and I have been negligent in my responsibilities. Rrrgh. Is it weird that I feel like I should be punished for this? I don’t know. I just feel like I should own up to it, I guess.

You would think after my punishment a few nights ago that I would have gotten on top of this... it has been a crazy week. That's not really an excuse, I just don't feel 100% focused.

Accountability Part 2

So I e-mailed my list to my HOH. When he came home he told me to go upstairs and prepare for my maintenance. It really ended up being a combination of maintenance and punishment for falling behind in all of my duties, and for treating him with a lack of respect.
I was told to strip and lay face down across the bed. We discussed each point and what I needed to do in order to improve. I was then to write lines (varying from 5-20) for each item. He spanked me throughout the process. When we got to the items about my HOH and showing him the proper respect and devotion, he used figging, in addition to spanking. We had never used figging before and I must say that it is an intense experience. I wrote extremely fast.

He held me afterwards and I thanked him. As part of my punishment, he took me from behind- with warming lube. Later that night, he pleasured me.

I am still getting my morning preemptive spanking followed by sex. Things are going well.

Accountability

So my HOH has given me instructions to list 15 things that I wanted to change about the way I live my life and grade my progress. The things I wanted to change are so broad, it is difficult to define in 15 specific things. I am going to grade myself pre-immobility.

1. Organize the house- B. I have been doing a good job of this. The house has been clean every night, dishes done- for the most part. I was doing laundry daily. I cleaned out the pantry.

2. Cooking- C. I have trying to make dinner. This is still a challenge to me. It is difficult to know what to make and how to fit it into my diet. I have been eating poorly.

3. Quality Time with Kids- B+. We’ve had floor picnics and cooked together. My 5 year old and I spend some time together every day while the 3 year old is napping, doing puzzles, games, or painting nails.

4. Respecting my HOH- B-. This is difficult to rate because my views and his views differ. There is no clear path of what is acceptable for me. I feel that I need to be punished more regularly for disrespect so I learn my place in this regard.

5. Laundry-C. I started our strong by fell behind. I still have unfolded clothes on the table and bags in the bathroom.

6. Swallowing- D. I don’t know what happened here, it’s like I lost the ability! Seriously, how does that happen??? I am gagging all the time now.

7. Submit to my HOH- D. Overall, I am failing this, I think. I am not mentally submitting and randomly physically submitting. I need more consistency. I need more discipline for disobedience. It is a slippery slope and it is easy to fall back into bad habits. I know I need submission training.

8. Adore my HOH- C. I think this goes hand in hand with submission.

9. Let go during sex-D. I think this will improve as I gain more humility with my HOH.

10. Teaching Our 3 year old- C. I have spent some time trying to teach him his letters. He can be difficult and I lose patience.

11. Do a Project around the house per week- A-. I was very proactive with this. I had done the pantry and was moving into the kitchen cabinets. I think we I am back into the swing of things, this will fall into place.

12. Keeping track of expenses-C-. I was 100% on track until last week, I think I haven’t written anything down since then.

That’s all I have been able to come up with. Overall, I know I have made a step in the right direction, but since last week, have slid back into some bad habits. I need to refocus. I know that I am due for some intense discipline in the near future. I think it will help me to get back on track. I still don’t have 100% confidence that my HOH will swiftly and thoroughly hold me accountable for my infractions and it is letting me blow off my responsibilities. The more consistent my punishment, the harsher, the more I will improve my own consistency. I know my HOH is planning on buying the Loopy Johnny and ginger root to punish me through figging. I anticipate that he will become more strict in the future, which will help me to learn my boundaries. I know once I truly come to accept my place beneath his authority, we will be happier together. I need to learn that his word is law and that I do not question him. I haven’t gotten to that point yet. I want to better myself. I know we will get there together.

Simply Out of Sorts

Life has been in fast forward since Friday night. My son, 3, jumped off of the bed and broke his foot. Saturday I went to a 12+ hour Bachelorette Party. Sunday morning I discovered that I am way too old to drink the way I did Saturday night. I have been struggling to recover ever since. I also pulled some muscle in my hamstring region and it has made going from sitting to standing and vice versa painful. I can’t get in to see an orthopedic for weeks yet. The muscle relaxers have knocked me out but failed to alleviate any of my symptoms.

As a result of all of this, I have not been a very good housewife at all. My HOH has been cutting me a great deal of slack while I don’t feel good but he is getting impatient. I know I am facing a big punishment soon. He mentioned buying a loopy Johnny and coming home with ginger root earlier today. It will not be pleasant for me, I am sure. I do have it coming, though. I know I haven’t been feeling good but it isn’t fair that he has to take on all of the extra burdens. I know that my attitude towards him hasn’t been very respectful either. His leniency hasn’t helped me to focus on him. I know I need the punishment. I want to get better, I do. I want to have the house clean when he comes home. I am just so tired and feel so bad. What is the right answer? I know he is wondering as well. Should he punish me regardless? Should I ask for one? Do we wait it out? I am uncertain as to whether I am taking advantage of feeling so bad in order to skirt my responsibilities. I don’t know. I am looking around and it is depressing to know how much work needs to be done around the house before Friday morning…. Ugh.

I baked a cake???

Yes, it is true. I actually baked a cake. Me, who has always been the anti-cook, spent the afternoon baking with my kids the other day. My HOH was thrilled when he came home to the smell of a freshly baked cake. Something must be working.

My daily preemptives have been effective to keep me in line. For the most part they are light, mostly just reminders that he is committed to LDD. Although today I do feel a little snarky. I might need a longer Maintenance before this weekend. We'll see. I haven't needed to be punished all week so far, so that's an improvement. Either I am getting better or my HOH is getting lax. I guess we'll have to see what the rest of the week entails.

I need to get going. I want the house ready when my HOH gets home. I just wanted to check in adn let you all know how we are doing. I know I am still sassy with my HOH and I need to work on that. I still don't know my boundaries when it comes to that. At what point am I being disrespectful as opposed to sarcastic. Is sarcasm not aloud anymore? He's had to tell me to watch my mouth, which sometimes pisses me off. I want to say, "really?" I haven't been disciplined for it so it is a little confusing... acceptable or not?

I also started my period yesterday and am horny as hell. We had sex yesterday beforehand. I have gotten used to the spanking/sex combo and not getting it this morning has been causing all sorts of havoc within me today!

Back on Track

Friday night my HOH came up to me and simply told me to go upstairs. I complied. I had a 30 minute spanking. It was very therapeutic. We cuddled afterwards, talked, and reconnected. We exchanged oral and made love. Saturday the kids slept out and we went on a date. It was very nice. This morning I had another maintenance spanking before we made love. We talked about what we both wanted from each other and what we needed. I will continue to get preemptive spankings in the morning and each night after the kids go to bed. For the most part, they will be reminder spankings to help keep me focused. Hopefully, I will not need a harsh punishment discipline.

So, we are back on track. We are in a good place together. Ah, the ups and downs…. Thanks to Claire for your website recommendations and to Ali for your wonderful insights! It is so comforting to know that you are out there and understand all of these emotions. It’s nice to not be alone in going through all of this. We don’t know anybody who uses DD in their lives and it isn’t the type of thing you bring up randomly at dinner. Having some support has been wonderful!

In the Light of Day

Thank you everybody who has been leaving comments on this blog. We have been reading them and discussing them and I really appreciate your time and interest in us. I haven’t figured out how to Respond to them yet (if somebody can offer some assistance , that would be great…) but you are not being ignored. Thanks for your input!

Okay, so light of day, morning after point of view. I don’t know where I want to go from here. Part of me is fed up with LDD because I don’t know if my husband can really truly be the Dominant enough to make this work AND I don’t know if I can relinquish control enough to properly submit. There are times when I really want to, that maybe I would be less conflicted, more happy and settled, if I could just surrender like that, but I don’t know if I am really capable of it. I don’t know if my HOH can bring that out of me. The control is a lot to give up and, although I want to, I don’t know if I can 100% do it.

The other part of me wishes that he would have just overpowered me last night and broken me into submission once and for all. I was so emotionally charged but was so cut off from him. He knows I shut him out emotionally last night. He took it. He was hurt and angered by it, but he took it.

I am frustrated. Last week, after my introductory discipline, I felt this shift in my inner self. It felt wonderful, safe, protected. Now I feel like I have shifted back to where I was before, only let more unsettled. I’m angry, almost. Does any of this make sense?

So the evening did go as planned. My HOH came home and was very happy with all of the work I accomplished around the house today. So far, so good. He even offered and made dinner for the family. Still good. We all ate together and the kids were in rare form. I think my son might be getting sick because he basically threw a tantrum for 90 minutes straight. This clearly was weighing on our nerves. After the kids went to bed my HOH started to show his stress. At first, he was complaining about all of the stress he’s dealing with at work. Then it evolved into all of the work he’s been doing and that he still has so much work to do around the house. This really pissed me off. The house is clean. CLEAN. Seriously, there was maybe 30 minutes of putting away the clothes on the dresser and straightening up the kids’ rooms at bedtime. There were four big, heavy trash bags in the kitchen full of all of the crap I threw out while cleaning out the pantry. He’s been in a ridiculously cranky SOB mood, pretty much nonstop since the weekend. Maybe not the entire time, but I have to admit that it seems that way to me.

I know he’s dealing with a lot of shit at work. I get that. I know he’s tired. But, whether as a result of LDD or not, I feel extremely reactive to his mood swings and they are pushing me far and away from him. I feel such a disconnect as a result of all of this tension. I feel attacked and alienated by his attitudes and behaviors. I was doing the dishes and my sciatic was giving me problems, so I asked him if he minded finishing them up so I could lie down. He told me that was fine with him. Less than five minutes later he says “I’m glad you are enjoying laying down while I am still doing all of this work.” Seriously? WTF??? The entire night went like that. I know he’s not intentionally taking out his aggravations on me, but I am getting hit by the crossfire. I am just tired of it all. I am definitely pulling away from submission. It is too vulnerable a place to be in. I simply don’t feel confident under his control. He’s been too careless with himself over the past few days. I am questioning whether we were in the right place to start LDD. Maybe we need a break??? Suggestions? If you would like to read his side- I don’t know if he’s blogged about it yet- his page is www.lovemylddwife.blogspot.com

Needless to say, there was no maintenance discipline tonight.

My massage last night was wonderful. I came home and went right to bed. This morning we made love. No spanking at all. I will have my Maintenance Spanking tonight and my HOH felt that was sufficient to keep me motivated to be productive today. So far, the day has been crazy. My kitchen WAS spotless this morning but I have spent all day cleaning out the pantry. I am taking a break right now to eat lunch. My kids have been playing "Disneyworld" upstairs. I hope they haven't been creating a disaster zone. I will go check in on them in a few... Geez, how do wives do this everyday and still have the energy to make dinner? Once I get the house really in order, things will settle down, I'm sure... but shit, I need a nap!

I think tonight's Maintenance Discipline will be good for us. I haven't really had a long spanking session since last Friday. I am due for it. Not that I am really looking forward to it, but I am focusing on the after effect. That will be good. I hope. I have been very good this week, I think. It should be a positive reinforcement type of discipline. Reminding me of my place and my obligations. Alright, back to the freaking pantry...

I had a very light preemptive this morning. He was running late for work so I didn’t get my sex. I have been thinking about it all day long and I don’t know if that’s really a positive or a negative… I took both kids to the mall. We met a friend of mine and her three kids. It was controlled chaos. Taking five kids to lunch should merit a reward.

Watching them five of them on the playground was so stressful. One would always be hiding behind something. It is the type of thing that frays your nerves. It was 1,2,3,4,5. Look- 1,2,3,4,5. 1,2,3,4… where the fuck…. 5!!! Dear Lord. I hate the mall playground. Then they rode the merry go round. It would have made more sense to simply buy a merry go round for the house. For the price that I paid for each kid to ride one time, the purchase would have paid for itself.

We didn’t get home until after 2pm. I am completely exhausted. I still need to make dinner and clean the kitchen and family room. My daughter is asking for Chinese food already. Maybe she can convine her father. I support her choice, that's for sure.

I was supposed to clean out the pantry today as well. I don’t know if I can do it. I hope it is alright to push it off until tomorrow. I am struggling to stay awake. I have a massage tonight and I am so excited. Even though my hubby has established himself as the HOH, he still pampers me. I love it. I just hope I don’t fall asleep during my massage… I am falling asleep right now.

Yesterday we had a very good day. We went to the baseball game with some of my HOH’s work people. He complimented me on being an excellent arm piece.

This morning I was awaken in order to receive my Daily Preemptive Discipline. It was very light due to my good behavior yesterday. I thanked him orally and we made love. This was the second day in a row that we had sex after my preemptive discipline. It has been wonderful for us to connect intimately like that first thing in the morning.

Week Ends

What a weekend. We had our ups and downs. Saturday we had a lot of running around to do. It was chaos. We got the ALDD Book 1 in the mail, and my HOH read almost the entire thing Saturday night. He was experimenting with my submission Saturday, having me strip and spread my legs, that sort of thing. It was fine. I did well.

Yesterday we went to his parents’ house to swim. He was in a shitty, crabby mood. When he’s like that, it is very tough for me to understand how I am supposed to act. I tried to be respectful, I really did, but he was acting all dominant simply for the sake of it. He really didn’t need anything, it was like he was testing me simply because he was pissy. Now, I want to be submissive, yes, but I am simply not there yet. I feel like he expects me to behave like I have been living the lifestyle for months and months (as opposed to one week) but he can’t even follow through with the proper maintenance schedule for one week!

We are still, clearly, trying to figure it out. We had a bedtime talk last night about all of this. I told him that, although I started the week feeling very intimately connected with him (following my first true, and most effective discipline) as the week progressed, I felt more and more disconnect. I don’t know if this was in direct relation to the missed Maintenance Spankings or not.

He told me this morning that he was recommitted to making this work. I got my Preemptive this morning and he left for work. I guess we’ll see how the day progresses. This in between stage of no longer having control, but not yet let it go completely is ridiculously confusing for both of us.