Here we are.

Things are coming along.  I was punished Friday night for not calling my HOH Sir, forgetting to put the clothes in the dryer, and forgetting my cell phone at home.  I think we are still struggling with insufficient discipline.  It hurts. don't get me wrong, but not enough to make me cry.  In the world of LDD, it is like we are doing this half ass.  Knowing that I will be punished has definitely changed the way I spend my days.  I try to always have the house cleaned and the dishes done, but I still feel like I need more structure.  I don't know.  I can suggest things to him but I kind of feel like I am backseat HOHing.  Does anybody else deal with those feelings?  How do we overcome them?

I definitely feel like I am in a better place, submissionwise, then I was a few months ago, but I am nowhere near that Actual Submissive State.  I am just going along with the motions it feels.  I don't think either one of us feels like this wasn't a good thing for us.  We are spending more quality time together working on our relationship. 

Always In the Mood?

So I know that I have a punishment coming to me.  My HOH specifically asked me to wash his clothes.  I forgot to put them in the dryer.  Not good, I know.  He has been working a lot lately and informed me that he hasn't forgotten or ignored it, that I will be punished on Friday night. 

Sooooo, on a side note.  Since we started this, I feel like I am always sexually aroused.  I am masturbating multiple times per day.  I am ALWAYS thinking about sex and am constantly wet.  He has been so busy with work and is so tired.  How do I go about getting it?   Do I simply wait for him to want it or do I assert myself more to get it?  What is the "submissive" thing to do???  Help?  I am horny!!!

The Massage for The Master

I did as I was told and I feel very good about it.  I gave my HOH a nice, relaxing massage with a Happy Ending.  I then washed him and dried him.  I picked the ping pong paddle for my spanking and I was very obedient and did not struggle.  I accepted my spanking in a very submissive manner.  My HOH told me that he forgave me.  He licked me and pampered me for his own enjoyment and we made love. 

This time everything feels so different.  It feels more real, a way of life, as opposed to a game with sporatic rules.  The consistency is key, I know.  I feel very loved and cherished.  My HOH even made me chocolate chip pancakes later in the evening.  It is a wonderul feeling to be taken care of so much.  I just want to please him more. 

I know I probably lost a lot of followers going so long without updating.  Is anybody still out there?

Residuals from the Wedding Weekend

So my husband was in a wedding this weekend.  It was crazy hectic.  He was gone all day on Friday and Saturday which left me to run all of the "wedding prep" errands and get the two kids dressed and ready (ages 3 & 5) for the weekend's activities.  I felt like I was a  chicken, running around with my head cut off.  It was crazy.  I thought I handled things well, though.  We were always on time, presentable, smiling.  I did have one slip up on Saturday morning.  My HOH had called about 10 minutes after he had walked out of the door to apologize for not giving me a preemptive spanking to help motivate me to stay on my best behavior for the rest of the weekend.  I was frazzled, trying to herd the kids, when he called and was pretty annoyed at his reasons for making me drop everything and run to get the phone.  I was angry and hung up on him.  Well, I said good-bye and the conversation was pretty much over, but it was disrespectful nonetheless. 

With the wedding going into the wee hours of morning and festivites continuing on through Sunday morning, we were exhausted.  Incident forgotten?  No.  My HOH sent me an e-mail this morning giving me detailed  instructions on what I am to do tonight after the children go to bed.  I am to strip and await inspection in the bedroom.  (I had laser hair removal this morning- legs, underarms, and full bikini- he wants to see the results).  Then I am to strip him and give him a massage with massage oil.  The massage should have a "happy ending".  Then I am to warm up the shower and bring him in and wash off all of the massage oil.  Then I am to pick the implement I feel like I have earned and lay face down on the bed, awaiting my spanking.

I guess I am happy that he didn't let the incident slide.  I will try to follow his orders as he wishes.  I will let you know.  I am being beckoned right now to put the kids to bed.

Implementation

I had my first Maintenance Spanking last night.   We have recently obtained a bunch of new implements varying from a new flogger, to new canes, to a new loopy johnny.  My HOH gave my bottom a taste of everything last night so that I would know which implements to fear the most.  He also inserted the ginger root for 4 minutes.  It was horrible.  He warned me that ginger root punishments could last up to 20 minutes.  That fear is a real deterrance to behave, I will tell you. 

He took very good care of me after my discipline.  We had sex twice last night and both times were fantastic.  I felt very loved and seure. 

This morning I felt the sting of the spanking on my bottom while I was in the shower.  I have been wanting him to come home and touch me sooo badly.  I feel obedient and eager to do my chores to please him.  I still feel awkward calling him Sir at certain times, but at ease with it at others.  During intercourse last night it felt very natural. 

We are off to a running start!

Submission Training

The last time we made a genuine effort at this lifestyle I really struggled with obtaining Actual Submission, accepting my place both internally and externally.  This time we are really trying to focus on that.  For at least 30 minutes every evening we are spending time working on it.  I am trying to call my HOH "Sir".  I am getting my chores done. 

I have my first maintenance spanking tomorrow night and I know that it is going to be intense.  He is really committed to making a lasting impression on me (quite literally, I think).  We have a plethera of new implements and I know he wants to experiment with them all.  I am on my best behaviour in anticipation, I guess.  I am also eager for it.  Eager and Afraid.  Does that make any sense???

Restlessness

Hey all.  I am sorry we have been MIA for so long.  I have a herniated disc and it has sucked.  My HOH would not spank me while I have been having these back issues. 

These are a few journal entries from the last few weeks I thought I would post.  We have been working on an LDD contract over the past few months, filling in the void, if you will.  We are actually back into the swing of things,  I got my first punishment spanking last night after months without....
We had decided to start again.  We went to see Phantom of the Opera last night.  Apparently before dinner, I rolled my eyes at something he said.  He decided to spank me for disrespect.  By the time we got home, I had no idea what he was talking about.  We ended up having a huge argument which brought out a lot of anger and resentment we have developed for eachother.  He has been very busy at work and has been doing almost everything at home for the past few months- since I have become an invalid.  I am unsatisfied with our current sex life- also hindered because of my back.  After we calmed down, he told me that he went about it the wrong way, but that I DID deserve a spanking, especially after the fight.  I agreed.  I learned the wrath of the loopy johnny for the first time after that and it hurt like a bitch!!!!  I will be updating more frequently now.  I can post our tentative rules aka "LDD Contract" if anybody has interest...

Here are the journal entries from the past couple of weeks.




9.13.09



I feel like it has been SO long since I have typed a journal entry. It has been a hellacious summer. My daughter broke her collar bone, then my son broke his foot. I have been dealing with a herniated disk. It has been brutal. I know that my HOH has been dealing with a lot of the household chores and responsibilities- well, all of them actually. He is ready and eager to start over with the LDD relationship.

I am too, I think. I go back and forth between really wanting to longterm commit. Sometimes I see that this would do wonders for our marriage. It could be that spark that keeps us connected both emotionally and physically. I have felt something to be lacking and this could be the answer. I like the idea of it- the submission. Letting go. All of the emotional transformation that comes along with LDD. I won’t lie that the thought of it always makes me wet. I masturbate thinking about being submissive, but then, after I cum, I feel like I am crazy for seriously considering it. I fear the degree of punishment I will need in order to truly submit to his Actual Authority over me, to get through the Superficial Submission and obtain True Submission.





9.27.09

Okay, so I guess we are getting close to recommitting to the lifestyle and I am a little bit, well, a lot bit, wondering what is wrong with me for considering this. Do I really want to give up my control? My independence? Do I really want to have to swallow my pride and bite my tongue in order to avoid being spanked until I cry? I mean, REALLY??? Forever be spanked for being sarcastic or calling him out on his oversensitivity or short temper? I don’t know if I can do it. I mean, I want to better our marriage. I think that he would be happier with it for certain. I don’t mean the spanking, per se, but the affects of the submission. The actual spanking will be time consuming and demands a great deal of effort and commitment. He will be tired and not want to follow through all of the time.

I wonder if he can really do it. 100% I know I will test him. Brat. And if he can’t be strict and thorough, it will only cause friction between us. I know that I can withstand a lot. I am dreading the pain that I will need to receive in order to really sob. Every time. Ugh. Again, I question my sanity? I really want to be made to cry from pain? I have a good thing going here as is….. but he is not happy. And I am not happy. Not really. I just don’t understand why THIS is what we need. But then I think back to how I felt while we were doing it and I can see the potential. I was truly enamored by him. His strength. His power. The sound of his Firm Voice made me wet. Made me want to please him. Emotionally and Physically.

Now he treats me like a Queen. He pampers me. Coddles me. But I have no limits. No repercussions. I am truly not accountable for anything. I can be mean, be rude, and life goes on. But I carry guilt and feel more disconnect. I am dominant, but inherently need to be taken in hand. I don’t want the burdens of paying bills, worrying about money, dealing with any of that crap. But I am basically freeloading in the marriage. I decide when we have sex. I decide whether we go here or there. I decide when I clean. I need to break these habits. It makes my HOH feel used, unloved, and disrespected. I know LDD will change all of this. I am not happy that we need this. I am not sure how it is going to play out. Am I committing to a lifetime of maintenance spankings? Will I be spanked 15 years from now for failing to call when I am on my way home? I don’t know. Maybe. I guess. Am I hoping for that? Would that mean that it worked? I mean, if we are going to do this, we need to do it. Forever, right? I mean, if I accept him as my HOH I need to accept that I will be spanked harshly. I am very strong willed. I just don’t know how long and how hard I will resist submission. True submission. I think that is the goal. Getting there will suck. I need to believe with 100% certainty that bad behavior will 100% of the time result in such a punishment – to the point where I behave because I am afraid of the punishment. I think the learning curve of that point will be difficult for the both of us.

I know that I will not want the discipline at times. I will try to get out of them when I reach the fight or flight stage. He will have to push through it. I am afraid both that he will not be able to push through and apply sufficient discipline (too soft or too short) and, at the same time, I am afraid that he WILL be able to push through and the pain will be unbearable. I read a story on a punishment blog where the HOH was worried because his wife wouldn’t answer her cell and didn’t tell him where she was going… he was so relieved when she came home and he just held her for awhile. Then he told her that she was very irresponsible and that behavior like that was not to be tolerated. He was going to spank her with his hand, belt, paddle, and strap the next night so harshly that she would never behave so irresponsibly again. The next night she pled with him that she was sorry. He just replied that she was about to become even sorrier. He told her that she was going to be spanked, not killed. She would survive this and be fine- a better wife as a result of it. I keep trying to convince myself of that. It will hurt but the pain will end. It was MY bad behavior earned the spanking. I will learn a lesson and be a better wife, person, because of it.

I keep thinking of all of those television shows from the 1950s. I remember Ricky putting Lucy over his knee to spank her. It used to be commonly accepted that a husband could discipline his wife however he saw fit. I trust mine to handle my discipline however he feels is necessary to better our lives. There really can be only one Master in a household. He has been trying to sustain our family both outside and inside of the home. It is too stressful for him and he resents me for it. I bully him. He resents me for that too. I resent that I can bully him. It has made me lazy. Unappreciative. What he does is never enough for me. Thinking about being that ideal submissive wife sounds so freeing. I think he would cherish me more- if that is possible. I think I would appreciate it so much more. Ultimately, I don’t think I would be giving up any true liberties, going out, doing things that are fun and important to me- but I would be more appreciative, respectful, earn those things. See them as privileges. Appreciate my lifestyle.

Okay, I guess that I know that this would all be good. The only bad part is those first few months. The commitment on his part to physically restrain me if necessary. To punish me when I should be punished and not let things slide. To be firm. Thorough. Consistent. Strong. He needs to act swiftly. Bring me to tears every time. Keep going. Make me repentant. Scold me. Dominate. Set boundaries and rules and enforce them consistently and effectively. Not tolerate attitude from me. Establish his position as my superior. My Boss. It will take a great deal of time and effort.

And for me, the breaking in. The submission. The learning to accept disobedience disciplines in addition to punishment when I try to refuse the spanking. The sassiness and sarcasm. I must learn to stay quiet and bite my tongue. Learnto take his words and swallow my pride not to fight back. Know that he can say whatever he chooses, behave how he chooses, but I must be respectful to him in every manner. Speak to him with the upmost respect, even when I am angry with him. Learn that when I am mad, I need to hold my tongue and request to speak about it later when I am calm and can speak respectfully-knowing that if I don’t, I will be punished right then. I must learn to be humble and let him vent to me, criticize me, and NOT smart mouth back. I cannot make excuses. I must simply respond with “I’m sorry”.

I must learn to willingly and without resistance(or delay) accept the pain, which will be intense and more than likely occur more than twice a week. I must learn to be humble to him. Accept being humiliated and stripped of my pride. I need to accept that I belong to him in every sense of the word. If I misbehave, I get punished. I have no say in what punishment is fair- it is entirely up to him. When he wants to cum, I make him cum, however he chooses. I always readily accept sex. Gratefully. I do my chores. I write in my journal. I take care of the kids. I log my expenses. I appreciate the life he has given me. All of these things we need to learn. Once we do, life will be so good for us. We just have to get there.

I remember last time I was agitated a lot. I needed to be kept on a shorter leash. I think we really need to have nightly communications immediately following the kids bedtime to discuss the day. Again before bedtime. If we have tension, he can effectively spank it out of me at those times to avoid a buildup of friction. Perhaps if he is too tired to spank me he could send me to bed early. Take my computer away. Stand me in the corner while my show is on television so I can hear it but can’t see it. Submit to spanking during commercials. Ground me. Ginger root me. Tell me to sleep in the bonus room or on the dog bed on the floor. Write a letter to him, discussing whatever he chooses. Perhaps telling him what I think my punishment should be. He, of course, could vary it to suit what he feels I deserve.

I think all of this pre stage is intimidating. I go back and forth. Once I have had my first spanking, or first few, I think I will be onboard 100%.

To the Bahamas

We are going to the Bahamas for a few days.. just me and my HOH. We are going to concentrate just on being together and regaining some intimacy. We are really going to delve into things! I'll be blogging next week when we get back!

Back in Business!

So I got a steroid injection last week from my Dr. It took about a week but my sciatic symptoms have finally dissapated. We went to a wedding this weekend and I was able to dance the night away. I think we are finally in the clear! We have discussed how to restart and we both agree that we need to schedule a night and just concentrate on re-entering LDD. We will go over what has happened over the past few weeks, how things have decayed around the house, without the discipline. If anything, we've realized what a positive effect LDD has had in our relationship. Its impact has been immense. I think making it work has become a priority to both of us. A definite transformational discipline is needed. We both need to get back into that mindset. My posts should get more regular as soon as we get back into the swing of things. Thanks everybody for sticking around!

Waiting it Out..

So, the Dr. thinks that I somehow locked my pelvis out of alignment... of all of the damnest things, seriously?!??!?! I have been walking like I am 87 and not 33. I think when my son (3) broke his foot, I did it. I have been carrying him around on my hip. We were doing light preemptives for awhile but have stopped until I get through this.

The break has really taken its toll on us. We are sliding back into old, bad habits. I will be in need of some sort of transformational, or reintroductory, spanking when we get back into the swing of things. We both miss our LDD lifestyle. He has tried other forms of punishment, but nothing is as effective as an OTK bottom spanking.

The interim has helped us both understand our committment to LDD and that we both want to continue with it. We are going to the Bahamas in a few weeks, just the two of us, and we hope to focus our time there are really establishing the HOH/submissive relationship.

The break from sex has been excruiciating as well. We did it once in the pool in hopes of not putting pressure on my pelvis... it still did. We are all over eachother like teenagers! So maybe it will help with our intimacy.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you all a status check. We are not giving up.. just working our way through it. I am rereading the LDD books- it is a whole new experience reading them after having been practicing. Thank you all for your comments and support. It is SOOOO nice to know that you are out there going through the same experiences!!!

I feel like I need to be punished. I am supposed to be keeping track of all of my expenses in a notebook and I have really gotten behind in it. I keep meaning to make it a priority, but it keeps slipping my mind. Being aware of the money I spend is an issue I need to work on and I have been negligent in my responsibilities. Rrrgh. Is it weird that I feel like I should be punished for this? I don’t know. I just feel like I should own up to it, I guess.

You would think after my punishment a few nights ago that I would have gotten on top of this... it has been a crazy week. That's not really an excuse, I just don't feel 100% focused.

Accountability Part 2

So I e-mailed my list to my HOH. When he came home he told me to go upstairs and prepare for my maintenance. It really ended up being a combination of maintenance and punishment for falling behind in all of my duties, and for treating him with a lack of respect.
I was told to strip and lay face down across the bed. We discussed each point and what I needed to do in order to improve. I was then to write lines (varying from 5-20) for each item. He spanked me throughout the process. When we got to the items about my HOH and showing him the proper respect and devotion, he used figging, in addition to spanking. We had never used figging before and I must say that it is an intense experience. I wrote extremely fast.

He held me afterwards and I thanked him. As part of my punishment, he took me from behind- with warming lube. Later that night, he pleasured me.

I am still getting my morning preemptive spanking followed by sex. Things are going well.

Accountability

So my HOH has given me instructions to list 15 things that I wanted to change about the way I live my life and grade my progress. The things I wanted to change are so broad, it is difficult to define in 15 specific things. I am going to grade myself pre-immobility.

1. Organize the house- B. I have been doing a good job of this. The house has been clean every night, dishes done- for the most part. I was doing laundry daily. I cleaned out the pantry.

2. Cooking- C. I have trying to make dinner. This is still a challenge to me. It is difficult to know what to make and how to fit it into my diet. I have been eating poorly.

3. Quality Time with Kids- B+. We’ve had floor picnics and cooked together. My 5 year old and I spend some time together every day while the 3 year old is napping, doing puzzles, games, or painting nails.

4. Respecting my HOH- B-. This is difficult to rate because my views and his views differ. There is no clear path of what is acceptable for me. I feel that I need to be punished more regularly for disrespect so I learn my place in this regard.

5. Laundry-C. I started our strong by fell behind. I still have unfolded clothes on the table and bags in the bathroom.

6. Swallowing- D. I don’t know what happened here, it’s like I lost the ability! Seriously, how does that happen??? I am gagging all the time now.

7. Submit to my HOH- D. Overall, I am failing this, I think. I am not mentally submitting and randomly physically submitting. I need more consistency. I need more discipline for disobedience. It is a slippery slope and it is easy to fall back into bad habits. I know I need submission training.

8. Adore my HOH- C. I think this goes hand in hand with submission.

9. Let go during sex-D. I think this will improve as I gain more humility with my HOH.

10. Teaching Our 3 year old- C. I have spent some time trying to teach him his letters. He can be difficult and I lose patience.

11. Do a Project around the house per week- A-. I was very proactive with this. I had done the pantry and was moving into the kitchen cabinets. I think we I am back into the swing of things, this will fall into place.

12. Keeping track of expenses-C-. I was 100% on track until last week, I think I haven’t written anything down since then.

That’s all I have been able to come up with. Overall, I know I have made a step in the right direction, but since last week, have slid back into some bad habits. I need to refocus. I know that I am due for some intense discipline in the near future. I think it will help me to get back on track. I still don’t have 100% confidence that my HOH will swiftly and thoroughly hold me accountable for my infractions and it is letting me blow off my responsibilities. The more consistent my punishment, the harsher, the more I will improve my own consistency. I know my HOH is planning on buying the Loopy Johnny and ginger root to punish me through figging. I anticipate that he will become more strict in the future, which will help me to learn my boundaries. I know once I truly come to accept my place beneath his authority, we will be happier together. I need to learn that his word is law and that I do not question him. I haven’t gotten to that point yet. I want to better myself. I know we will get there together.

Simply Out of Sorts

Life has been in fast forward since Friday night. My son, 3, jumped off of the bed and broke his foot. Saturday I went to a 12+ hour Bachelorette Party. Sunday morning I discovered that I am way too old to drink the way I did Saturday night. I have been struggling to recover ever since. I also pulled some muscle in my hamstring region and it has made going from sitting to standing and vice versa painful. I can’t get in to see an orthopedic for weeks yet. The muscle relaxers have knocked me out but failed to alleviate any of my symptoms.

As a result of all of this, I have not been a very good housewife at all. My HOH has been cutting me a great deal of slack while I don’t feel good but he is getting impatient. I know I am facing a big punishment soon. He mentioned buying a loopy Johnny and coming home with ginger root earlier today. It will not be pleasant for me, I am sure. I do have it coming, though. I know I haven’t been feeling good but it isn’t fair that he has to take on all of the extra burdens. I know that my attitude towards him hasn’t been very respectful either. His leniency hasn’t helped me to focus on him. I know I need the punishment. I want to get better, I do. I want to have the house clean when he comes home. I am just so tired and feel so bad. What is the right answer? I know he is wondering as well. Should he punish me regardless? Should I ask for one? Do we wait it out? I am uncertain as to whether I am taking advantage of feeling so bad in order to skirt my responsibilities. I don’t know. I am looking around and it is depressing to know how much work needs to be done around the house before Friday morning…. Ugh.

I baked a cake???

Yes, it is true. I actually baked a cake. Me, who has always been the anti-cook, spent the afternoon baking with my kids the other day. My HOH was thrilled when he came home to the smell of a freshly baked cake. Something must be working.

My daily preemptives have been effective to keep me in line. For the most part they are light, mostly just reminders that he is committed to LDD. Although today I do feel a little snarky. I might need a longer Maintenance before this weekend. We'll see. I haven't needed to be punished all week so far, so that's an improvement. Either I am getting better or my HOH is getting lax. I guess we'll have to see what the rest of the week entails.

I need to get going. I want the house ready when my HOH gets home. I just wanted to check in adn let you all know how we are doing. I know I am still sassy with my HOH and I need to work on that. I still don't know my boundaries when it comes to that. At what point am I being disrespectful as opposed to sarcastic. Is sarcasm not aloud anymore? He's had to tell me to watch my mouth, which sometimes pisses me off. I want to say, "really?" I haven't been disciplined for it so it is a little confusing... acceptable or not?

I also started my period yesterday and am horny as hell. We had sex yesterday beforehand. I have gotten used to the spanking/sex combo and not getting it this morning has been causing all sorts of havoc within me today!

Back on Track

Friday night my HOH came up to me and simply told me to go upstairs. I complied. I had a 30 minute spanking. It was very therapeutic. We cuddled afterwards, talked, and reconnected. We exchanged oral and made love. Saturday the kids slept out and we went on a date. It was very nice. This morning I had another maintenance spanking before we made love. We talked about what we both wanted from each other and what we needed. I will continue to get preemptive spankings in the morning and each night after the kids go to bed. For the most part, they will be reminder spankings to help keep me focused. Hopefully, I will not need a harsh punishment discipline.

So, we are back on track. We are in a good place together. Ah, the ups and downs…. Thanks to Claire for your website recommendations and to Ali for your wonderful insights! It is so comforting to know that you are out there and understand all of these emotions. It’s nice to not be alone in going through all of this. We don’t know anybody who uses DD in their lives and it isn’t the type of thing you bring up randomly at dinner. Having some support has been wonderful!

In the Light of Day

Thank you everybody who has been leaving comments on this blog. We have been reading them and discussing them and I really appreciate your time and interest in us. I haven’t figured out how to Respond to them yet (if somebody can offer some assistance , that would be great…) but you are not being ignored. Thanks for your input!

Okay, so light of day, morning after point of view. I don’t know where I want to go from here. Part of me is fed up with LDD because I don’t know if my husband can really truly be the Dominant enough to make this work AND I don’t know if I can relinquish control enough to properly submit. There are times when I really want to, that maybe I would be less conflicted, more happy and settled, if I could just surrender like that, but I don’t know if I am really capable of it. I don’t know if my HOH can bring that out of me. The control is a lot to give up and, although I want to, I don’t know if I can 100% do it.

The other part of me wishes that he would have just overpowered me last night and broken me into submission once and for all. I was so emotionally charged but was so cut off from him. He knows I shut him out emotionally last night. He took it. He was hurt and angered by it, but he took it.

I am frustrated. Last week, after my introductory discipline, I felt this shift in my inner self. It felt wonderful, safe, protected. Now I feel like I have shifted back to where I was before, only let more unsettled. I’m angry, almost. Does any of this make sense?

So the evening did go as planned. My HOH came home and was very happy with all of the work I accomplished around the house today. So far, so good. He even offered and made dinner for the family. Still good. We all ate together and the kids were in rare form. I think my son might be getting sick because he basically threw a tantrum for 90 minutes straight. This clearly was weighing on our nerves. After the kids went to bed my HOH started to show his stress. At first, he was complaining about all of the stress he’s dealing with at work. Then it evolved into all of the work he’s been doing and that he still has so much work to do around the house. This really pissed me off. The house is clean. CLEAN. Seriously, there was maybe 30 minutes of putting away the clothes on the dresser and straightening up the kids’ rooms at bedtime. There were four big, heavy trash bags in the kitchen full of all of the crap I threw out while cleaning out the pantry. He’s been in a ridiculously cranky SOB mood, pretty much nonstop since the weekend. Maybe not the entire time, but I have to admit that it seems that way to me.

I know he’s dealing with a lot of shit at work. I get that. I know he’s tired. But, whether as a result of LDD or not, I feel extremely reactive to his mood swings and they are pushing me far and away from him. I feel such a disconnect as a result of all of this tension. I feel attacked and alienated by his attitudes and behaviors. I was doing the dishes and my sciatic was giving me problems, so I asked him if he minded finishing them up so I could lie down. He told me that was fine with him. Less than five minutes later he says “I’m glad you are enjoying laying down while I am still doing all of this work.” Seriously? WTF??? The entire night went like that. I know he’s not intentionally taking out his aggravations on me, but I am getting hit by the crossfire. I am just tired of it all. I am definitely pulling away from submission. It is too vulnerable a place to be in. I simply don’t feel confident under his control. He’s been too careless with himself over the past few days. I am questioning whether we were in the right place to start LDD. Maybe we need a break??? Suggestions? If you would like to read his side- I don’t know if he’s blogged about it yet- his page is www.lovemylddwife.blogspot.com

Needless to say, there was no maintenance discipline tonight.

My massage last night was wonderful. I came home and went right to bed. This morning we made love. No spanking at all. I will have my Maintenance Spanking tonight and my HOH felt that was sufficient to keep me motivated to be productive today. So far, the day has been crazy. My kitchen WAS spotless this morning but I have spent all day cleaning out the pantry. I am taking a break right now to eat lunch. My kids have been playing "Disneyworld" upstairs. I hope they haven't been creating a disaster zone. I will go check in on them in a few... Geez, how do wives do this everyday and still have the energy to make dinner? Once I get the house really in order, things will settle down, I'm sure... but shit, I need a nap!

I think tonight's Maintenance Discipline will be good for us. I haven't really had a long spanking session since last Friday. I am due for it. Not that I am really looking forward to it, but I am focusing on the after effect. That will be good. I hope. I have been very good this week, I think. It should be a positive reinforcement type of discipline. Reminding me of my place and my obligations. Alright, back to the freaking pantry...

I had a very light preemptive this morning. He was running late for work so I didn’t get my sex. I have been thinking about it all day long and I don’t know if that’s really a positive or a negative… I took both kids to the mall. We met a friend of mine and her three kids. It was controlled chaos. Taking five kids to lunch should merit a reward.

Watching them five of them on the playground was so stressful. One would always be hiding behind something. It is the type of thing that frays your nerves. It was 1,2,3,4,5. Look- 1,2,3,4,5. 1,2,3,4… where the fuck…. 5!!! Dear Lord. I hate the mall playground. Then they rode the merry go round. It would have made more sense to simply buy a merry go round for the house. For the price that I paid for each kid to ride one time, the purchase would have paid for itself.

We didn’t get home until after 2pm. I am completely exhausted. I still need to make dinner and clean the kitchen and family room. My daughter is asking for Chinese food already. Maybe she can convine her father. I support her choice, that's for sure.

I was supposed to clean out the pantry today as well. I don’t know if I can do it. I hope it is alright to push it off until tomorrow. I am struggling to stay awake. I have a massage tonight and I am so excited. Even though my hubby has established himself as the HOH, he still pampers me. I love it. I just hope I don’t fall asleep during my massage… I am falling asleep right now.

Yesterday we had a very good day. We went to the baseball game with some of my HOH’s work people. He complimented me on being an excellent arm piece.

This morning I was awaken in order to receive my Daily Preemptive Discipline. It was very light due to my good behavior yesterday. I thanked him orally and we made love. This was the second day in a row that we had sex after my preemptive discipline. It has been wonderful for us to connect intimately like that first thing in the morning.

Week Ends

What a weekend. We had our ups and downs. Saturday we had a lot of running around to do. It was chaos. We got the ALDD Book 1 in the mail, and my HOH read almost the entire thing Saturday night. He was experimenting with my submission Saturday, having me strip and spread my legs, that sort of thing. It was fine. I did well.

Yesterday we went to his parents’ house to swim. He was in a shitty, crabby mood. When he’s like that, it is very tough for me to understand how I am supposed to act. I tried to be respectful, I really did, but he was acting all dominant simply for the sake of it. He really didn’t need anything, it was like he was testing me simply because he was pissy. Now, I want to be submissive, yes, but I am simply not there yet. I feel like he expects me to behave like I have been living the lifestyle for months and months (as opposed to one week) but he can’t even follow through with the proper maintenance schedule for one week!

We are still, clearly, trying to figure it out. We had a bedtime talk last night about all of this. I told him that, although I started the week feeling very intimately connected with him (following my first true, and most effective discipline) as the week progressed, I felt more and more disconnect. I don’t know if this was in direct relation to the missed Maintenance Spankings or not.

He told me this morning that he was recommitted to making this work. I got my Preemptive this morning and he left for work. I guess we’ll see how the day progresses. This in between stage of no longer having control, but not yet let it go completely is ridiculously confusing for both of us.

True Submission?

I was disciplined last night. I was told to strip and sent to the corner for a little while, then spanked OTK for about 30 minutes. He is still experimenting with implements so I got a taste or the belt, brush, crop and paddle. I DID cry. Now, granted, we are new to this, but I didn't have the same release, or feeling of adoration afterwards. While he was scolding me I felt like he was being unfair with his comments and it angered me. I didn't dare challenge him, I physically submit to the spanking, but emotionally I was defiant. I stopped crying. It was weird, like I had put up a barrier or something. I know he sensed this as well.

When I was in the corner afterwards, he actually told me not to spend the time being angry at him but to focus on my misbehaviors... this angered me more. I was silent, but fuming. I still thanked him, but I wasn't "in awe" of him like I have been after being disciplined in the past. We spoke about it afterwards and I know he was worried that I was going to want to quit. I told him that he probably should have "spanked me through it" but I don't know. I figure there is a learning curve.

I still feel like I am "superficially submitting". How do I break through that? I guess it just takes time? We will push onward.

My HOH says that I am only submitting when I am in the mood... after all of last night, when my daughter woke up during the night, I was lazy and made my HOH get up to check on her. I ended up getting up as well, but only after he went in there. He was mad. He ended up taking my ass without any lube. He has taken to use this as punishment.

This morning I had my preemptive spanking. I think these are going to go on for awile, at least until I have a few days in a row where I don't earn discipline.

Was I crazy for wanting to do this? At times I question my sanity. I wonder if this will be just a phase for us. I wish I could get my act together and do the things I should be doing around the house, be the Mother my kids deserve to have, just because I should. Why do I need LDD? I don't know, but, I do. It really helps. It motivates me. It connects me to my HOH.

Do I see my HOH spanking me ten years from now? I think I do. I, of course, hope it is mainly maintenance, but I think that if we are still living LDD, then it has worked for us. It will be nice to look back and not have guilt for wasting my days. I have already felt the benefits of that.

I am still in the honeymoon phase, I think. It sometimes feels like a game. I think there will be a reckoning when I don't want to "play" and my HOH pushes me through it into a deeper level of submission. I wish I were already there. This wishy washy place sucks. I am getting punished a lot. I am trying to get there! My HO is reading ALDD 1. There are a lot of humiliation tactics in there. Maybe that is what I need to finally let go and give it all in to him. I will be much happier to fully submit and rid myself of all of this baggage!

Belted in the Garage

I just got belted in the garage for disrespect. I deserved it. He told me that I have a discipline spanking coming to me tonight- I deserve that too.

I have been feeling snarky all day. I was lazy this morning, not wanting to get out of bed. I came downstairs and the dog had pooped in the hearth room. I took them outside and nearly got my arm pulled off when they charged the neighbor’s dog. I put them in the basement, which smells like dog shit as well. I didn’t even look for it downstairs because I was so damn irritated with them. My kids are fighting. It is just one of those days. So when my HOH called, I was not in a good place.

Also, for the first time this week, I didn’t get a preemptive spanking in the morning. My HOH has also pushed off the Maintenance Spanking that was supposed to happen Wednesday, was pushed to Thursday, but still hasn’t happened. He is under a lot of stress with work and has been up late preparing for that. I don't know if any of tha contributed to my mood today or not.

Anyway, I was very short with him on the phone. He had called to say that he was coming home before his big deposition in order to get a quick kiss and some support and confidence. The phone conversation was basically me spilling all of the crap that I had been dealing with so far today. Then, to add insult to injury, I was snappy with him and very disrespectful. I basically hung up on him. He called back to tell me that he was coming home for one minute and to meet him in the garage. I knew that I was going to get punished.

When I met him outside I really struggled with my submission. I really wanted to argue with him. I felt that he was only using LDD when it suited him because he hasn’t been consistent with his discipline. I think that the too lenient treatment this week has made me uncertain as to whether he can thoroughly carry me through this lifestyle in order to make it beneficial in the long term.

It was difficult to keep quiet. In fact, at one point he said to me “Are you really going to argue with me about this right now?” After that, I kept my mouth shut. He told me to drop my pants and bend over the car. He took off his belt and spanked me enough to leave a lasting sting. Afterwards I apologized for my behavior and kissed him. He told me that I would be getting a discipline spanking tonight and that I needed to change my behavior or I would be grounded from going out with my girlfriend. I said okay. He left to go take his deposition.

When I came inside I immediately went upstairs and cleaned up the mess the kids had made. Then I sat down to journal. I guess I really needed that. I feel more focused on the things I need to do today. I also feel very remorseful for the way I treated him on the phone. He is under s great deal of stress and I am contributing to it. I am supposed to be his safe haven to relieve tension, not force more upon him. I hope the rest of his day goes better.

I am amazed at the positive impact...

I am amazed at the positive impact this lifestyle has had on our marriage in only a few days. Last night I cuddled my HOH all night long. That is something that hasn’t happened in too many years for me to remember. I want to touch him all of the time. I can’t get enough of him. I feel like I am a teenager all over again.

Last night we went out to dinner. I was disrespectful to my HOH on two instances. When we entered the restaurant, I walked away from my HOH, leaving him to deal with the kids. I thought he was right behind me but I really should have waited for him to be certain. Then when he reprimanded me, I gave him a half ass apology. He was aggravated with me, as he should have been, but very lenient. I did not get punished for either misbehavior.

I should have been punished. We are still settling into a routine but we need to work on consistent discipline. I need to know that each act of misbehavior will be punished every single time. It will help me tremendously to know that I will be accountable to my HOH for each and every misbehavior. It will help me to be consistent in my actions.

This morning I got another preemptive discipline, this time with the hairbrush. There was not much warm up and it smart! I could see a long spanking with the hairbrush to be very effective. I did not get my maintenance spanking last night. My HOH goes back and forth between whether I need one or two maintenance spankings per week. I definitely think I need at least two at this point. I am obedient and respectful at home when we are in our LDD element but I am finding that my immediate response in certain situations is to challenge my HOH’s authority. I still have not fully submitted to his place as HOH. This is why I believe the maintenance spankings are so vital to us right now. We are still balancing on a tightrope with our LDD relationship. We need to set a solid foundation from the start.

My HOH stayed home today and we had amazing sex. It was hot, raw, lustful sex. Like I said, I can’t keep my hands off of him. The more he asserts himself as HOH, the more attracted I am to him. I am finding myself to be so much happier in this lifestyle. I feel like I am doing something with my days, things that I can be proud of, not just wasting them away like I had been doing in the past. I feel like I am a more active participant in my marriage, which is ironic because I am more submissive in the relationship. LDD has triggered some deeply buried inherent need for feminine submission. I feel like the spanking is helping to strip away all of society’s preaching of what I should feel and how I should act and letting my instinctive nature shine through. I am able to let go so much more.

I think this will have a profound effect of the fulfillment I get during intercourse. As I have learned from my spankings, I have a difficult time letting go of my emotional control. I think this has held me back during sex as well. I think as I am taught to submit, both through spanking through tears, which is very humbling, and humiliation training, I will learn to completely lay myself bare to my HOH. It will strip away the emotional barriers I have set up and allow my inner self to flow freely. I will learn to really let it go and release it all for my HOH to see.

That will be a huge step. It will likely be gradual change. I know that crying during my introductory spanking helped me with this tremendously. It was humbling, it was cathartic, it was a release. I felt so close to my HOH afterwards. I felt bare and emotionally exposed. It was very intimate. I truly see the benefit of being spanked to tears.

I never realized the depth of change that would occur as a result of LLD. I am so grateful. I am excited to know that we have just scratched the surface of the powerful benefits of this lifestyle. Already, the effects are profound. I feel like I’ve spent the first 9 years of my marriage hugging my HOH while wearing a thick wool coat. Everything was muffled and my movements were restricted. Now I feel like I am stripped down to my bikini, finally really able to feel the warmth of the sun and the cool ocean waves. I feel cleansed and refreshed. It is wonderful.

Last Night... Revisited.

I read my HOH’s blog (www.lovemylddwife.blogspot.com) his version of what happened last night. It gave me a better understanding and perspective of how things went downhill so quickly. When he came upstairs and looked around the bedroom, he thought immediately that I could have been cleaning more efficiently. I was being lazy, and therefore, both disobedient and disrespectful. He had a lot of work to do and was faced with the extra burden of dealing with the things that needed to be done, that I didn’t do. He was irritated and resentful. I was adding to his stress. We discussed this later and both agreed that, at that point, I should have been punished. He refused my advances because he was irritated with me. He was worried about time and was anxious to get the room finished so he could do his work. When I shut down, he knew what was happening. It both saddened and angered him. I made him feel horrible. Again, when we discussed this later, we agreed that I should have been properly punished at that time.

Last night was also a missed opportunity to test my emotional submission to my HOH. I think he didn’t press it, and I didn’t truly force him to press it, because our LDD lifestyle is still in its fragile early stages. We were both nervous that if shaken too hard, it would have shattered. We had a good talk about this later on. It might have been necessary for us to experience this with each other, in order to move forward. I think if this were to happen tonight, I would immediately be punished. We both learned from the experience and were able to get a better look at ourselves through each other’s perceptions. It was educational and we gained a lot from it.

After our heart to heart discussion about what happened last night, I think we both realized our mistakes. I told him that I felt like I was still owed a punishment after behaving the way I did. The cause for it all was my laziness, which is the exact behavior I am trying to modify. He agreed and decided to dry fuck my ass as punishment. It hurt, but I readily submit to him. I had already been spanked and given extra chores.

This morning I received another preemptive discipline. This time I got the riding crop. It was more intense than yesterday’s. So far, we are on Day3 and I know I have a long way to go. I have already been disciplined for three incidents of misbehavior. I am due for my Maintenance Spanking tonight.

Although I do not relish the idea of pain, I do feel that I need more substantial spankings. I think to get to the point where I am really on my toes and doing my chores, I need to have that genuine fear of the spanking. Right now, if I misbehave, I know that I will be punished, but I also know that the punishment is endurable. It hurts at the time, but then I am fine afterwards. I think I understand what the LDD website is inferring with harsher disciplines. It leaves a lasting effect. I would be less likely to be sloppy if I knew I was going to be spanked, really spanked, to the point of not being able to sit down afterwards. Like I said, I am not a sadist, I don’t really want to endure discipline like that, but I think that it would be exponentially more effective, and I think that it the goal of LDD. I know I will regret this, but I do want this to work. I want this to be they way we live, not just a few weeks passing fancy.

I know that it is not easy for my HOH to spank me like this. He doesn’t want to hurt me. But he is learning that I, myself am the sole cause of my discipline. It is my own misbehavior that warrants the punishment. He is tapping into his dominant male hormones and is drawing his strength from that. He is spanking me to tears to instill in me a much needed attitude adjustment, a shift in my thinking. I am not the center of the world and I have other responsibilities. I am being taught behavior modification and it is for my own personal growth and well being. When I am more obedient and respectful, he has more freedom and can be more relaxed.

When I am being held accountable for my misbehavior, I am filled with less guilt and can be more relaxed. My marriage is better because my HOH doesn’t harbor resentment against me. He is happier with his life. He can enjoy his life more. He can enjoy his kids more. He feels more loved, adored, and respected- and in reality, he is. My kids are happier because they are given a new and improved version of their mother, a Mother who is more devoted, more committed to being a better person. Everybody wins. Well, except for my bottom, of course, but I think that’s the motivating factor to improve!

Keeping up these blogs have been both very therapeutic and informational for the both of us. I still wish we could connect with another LDD couple to have somebody to talk to about all of the emotions involved with this lifestyle. I hope we can meet other couples- I would love to have another LDD wife to learn from.

Emotional Triggers

So I had my first discipline punishment tonight. I submitted, it was un pleasant. I thanked him with oral afterwards. I was then told to spend the next few hours cleaning the master bedroom and bath without my ipod or television to make up for the time I spent on the computer. I did this. He went downstairs to exercise.
After punishment, I am finding that I am in adoration of my HOH. Complete adoration. I can’t get enough of him. So when he came back upstairs, I was very touchy feely with him. But his behavior greatly confused me. First he said that I had an attitude and that I was slipping back into bad behavior. I was a little annoyed at all of the cleaning I had been doing an him saying to me that it didn’t look like I had done much. I reigned it in- I honestly didn’t realize I was being snippy. He reminded me to be submissive and I went right back into adoration mode. Then he just snapped and told me essentially to back off and stop trying to get into his pants. I literally shut down. I felt rejected, yes, but it felt like so much more than that. I completely cut off, like all of the ardor I had just a moment ago was chopped away. He knew I shut down. I told him that I didn’t know what he wanted, first I was too snarky, then I was too touchy. Too cold, then too hot, then too cold again. He tried to make amends, but I just can’t even be with him right now. I didn’t want to argue, I didn’t know what to even say. I can barely identify it.
The way I am processing it is that when I submit myself to his discipline, it opens up such deep emotions, not surface emotions, but deep seeded ones that are only beginning to formulate within me. I need him afterwards in such a raw way. He refused me. I felt betrayed. I felt wounded. Used. Justified or not, it is how I felt. How I still feel.
I know we need to work through this. We are new to this lifestyle and neither one of us really knows our guidelines as of yet. He needs leniency as a HOH. It is new that I didn’t retaliate and try to hurt him, as I would have in the past. I don’t know what exactly held me back. Either I was afraid of being punished, or afraid that we would stop LDD, or break from it. I don’t know. I think I need some time to reflect on it. Emotional submission begins? Who knows. I wish knew somebody who lived this lifestyle. I would love to talk to another LDD wife. I feel like we are going blind here.

My First Day on my own...

5.26.09
I posted this comment to LDDLoving.blogspot.com-
“We are new to the LDD lifestyle. Other than the introductory discipline, which led me to tears, I have had one maintenance and one pre-emptive spanking. I am enjoying the benefits of LDD and my HOH is as well. I physically submit to him very well. I have changed some bad habits already and have treated him more respectfully.
I do, however, still feel like we are playing a game, like we are in “honeymoon” stage, if that makes sense. I still feel like I can stop playing whenever I want. Like today, I have spent more time on the computer than he wants me to, and I am feeling a little ambivalent about the whole thing- AND I got a pre-emptive spanking this morning! Is there any way for me to get past this and truly submit? Does it just take time? Is there something we can do?
I want to embrace LDD, but I am clearly emotionally holding back. I keep thinking that there will come a time when my husband will go to punish me, I resist, and he follows through with a disobedience punishment. Is that the only way to really get to that level of submission? To push through it like that? I don’t want to keep testing him if there is some way to avoid it. Mentally I am going back and forth between submission and blowing it off. It is like a ping pong game in my head.”
I have made some positive improvements today. I was out of bed and showered before either one of my kids woke up. They both wanted fruit for breakfast, which was fine with me. I have done a couple loads of laundry and have played checkers with my daughter. I noticed that when my kids asked me for something, I did think about it and get up rather quickly (in the past I procrastinated…). They ate lunch. I spent very little time on the phone. I quickly cleaned up the dishes after they were used and straightened up after the kids so that my HOH would return to a clean house.
I did, however, spend a great deal of time on the computer. Not necessarily reading fanfiction (I am a Twilight addict), but reading up on LDD. I think maybe I shouldn’t be online this much, but my kids are so happy to be home together and playing so well together that I don’t want to bother them. I guess I should have spent that time cleaning upstairs instead of sitting down… I don’t know. I folded all of th clothes I laundered. It is hard to find the balance. I kept the kids in their jammies, which might upset my HOH, but then, we weren’t going anywhere and they are so comfortable.
I still feel mentally ambivalent, which is surprising, after getting a preemptive spanking this morning. Is this right? Is it a slow process to change? I am still eager, of course, but less gung ho, I guess.

I am Caught up in my Journal

Okay, I have copied everything from my journal onto the blog and and caught up. The new entries will be added real time!

The Day After

5.25.09
I woke up this morning and got out of bed before 8am. Helped make breakfast with the kids and HOH and spent some time with the kids. I copied down my journal in lieu of reading my fanfiction stories, so that is a huge step for me. Looking back on last night’s discipline and I am happy, although, I have a better understanding of why frequent maintenance spankings are so vital. I already feel a slide backwards. It saddens me.
Towards the end of my maintenance spanking last night, the pain was getting pretty intense. I didn’t know how much more I could take. I cried out at one point. I was so relieved when he stopped. I wonder, (and I hesitate to even write this down, knowing that my HOH will read it, but I want to make an honest go at change), if he should have kept going. I wonder if the pain would have brought me to tears. It was getting bad. I wonder if that level of pain should have been the true start of the discipline. Today I can look back and say, yeah, it was uncomfortable, but I could do it again… I should probably be thinking, I will be on my best behavior to never have to endure that again.
Of course, it was a maintenance spanking, so maybe that is a good standard to have. It left a reminder of how bad a discipline spanking has the potential to be. I have yet to get a discipline spanking so I don’t really have a standard to compare it to. I have light bruising, so he did really well. I can sit without a problem, though, so we might need to work on that (again, maybe that is distinction between maintenance and punishment). I want to have a constant reminder, to keep me focused. Unfortunately, I need that reminder. I hope to get to the point where I don’t. That I just do because it is in the best interest of my family. I think I have a ways to go to achieve true submission. Today we are spending the day with my HOH’s family. I guess that will be a good test. We will see if the discipline from last night carries through today or if I will end up back over his knee again tonight.
We had a great time at my HOH’s parents’ house today. I didn’t realize the impact our new lifestyle would have on things I never considered before. It makes me aware of how crappy I have treated people in the past. After we were finished eating lunch, I got up and started to clean up the buffet. Literally everybody commented that they were in shock that I was helping. I just wanted to contribute, I didn’t realize how spoiled behavior had been up until now. Well, that’s not entirely true. I didn’t care how spoiled I had been up until now. Things feel different now. I know that I am being monitored and I want to make my HOH proud. I want him to see the effort I am making to be a better person.
He told me tonight that I had good actions today but that my reactionary responses need a lot of work. I tend to put him down or not include him in conversations. He gave me a warning tonight, which I appreciate. I understand that if this behavior were to continue, I would get spanked because of it.
I will get a Preemptive Spanking every morning this week to keep me motivated. I am exhausted now. I am going to bed soon.
I still don’t think I’ve had my “Come to Jesus” moment of “This is my life now. I will get punished for bad behavior.” Part of me still feels like we are playing a little sexual game together and that we will move on to something else in a few days, or weeks. I think when I am ready to quit, assert that, get a Disobedience Spanking, reality will start to set it. After I truly accept that I will always get disciplined for disobedience, including laziness, dishonesty, or disrespect, I think the true, lasting behavior modifications will begin.

My Introductory Spanking

I was told to go upstairs, set out the paddle and belt. I sat on the bed and waited for him. I was so very nervous. When he came up, he sat on the bed and told me that my behavior over the course of our marriage has left a lot to be desired. The was I keep the house ( I am a stay at home Mom) is embarrassing and I am not being a very good mother to our kids. I never cook, I rarely clean, and I am lazy. I sit on my computer all day instead of keeping the housework up or engaging meaningfully with our kids. He told me that I have been disrespectful to him, our family, and our home.

He told me that LDD will motivate me and that once we begin, he is committe 100% to making it work. No exceptions. He will demand 100% respect, honesty, and obedience all of the time. Infractions will be dealt with swiftly and thoroughly.

I was then told to stand up and strip completely. I then laid over his knee and he proceeded to spank me with his hand, belt, and paddle. He scolded me the entire time about how my kids are suffering and learning horrible habits from me. He told me how my lack of good mothering is damaging their childhoods and burdening my HOH will a great deal of stress and resentment towards me.

He kept going on, spanking me and scolding me, and I did cry. Afterwards, he held me. He then left me alone with my journal and told me to write. This is what I wrote...

Well, I survived. My bottom is burning and I definitely cried. The experience was not what I had expected but it was definitely cathartic. What ultimately made me cry was hearing my HOH talk about what I have been doing to our kids. I have been so selfish and I am wasting the best days, their childhood days by simply being lazy. O am so sorry for it. This experience has really opened my eyes to that. I feel focused now. I feel like my priorities have shifted and suddenly all of the ridiculous things that I have been so important during my days are just that, ridiculous. I want to hug my kids, cook with my daughter- make pancakes together. I feel cleansed and so appreciative of what I have in my life. I have been taking time for granted- the most precious part of life.
I know that I can do this. Change. I feel that I have already shifted. I was dreading this all day but now I feel so confident that the LDD path is a gift to my family. I want to go to the grocery store- I can honestly say that I have never had that thought before. I am looking forward to my summer as time to laugh and play with my kids.
I know I have been so disrespectful to my HOH in the past but I have never been more proud of him than I am right now. He has put up with so much abuse from me for so long. It is true what the LLD website had stated, I feel so loved, so adored, so revered by him. I haven’t truly shown him, appreciated him for being so amazing. I feel closer to him already.
I am realizing that I have kept myself at arms length. I don’t think I have ever really let him in all the way into my soul. When I started to cry, I instinctive tried to hold them back, instead of letting myself sob. I wanted to hide my tears, I was embarrassed by them. It dawned on me that I felt the urge to hold them back from him seeing the true, raw effects of this experience. Sharing the guilt, letting him see was healing. I feel so much “more” for him. I don’t even have words to describe how in awe of him I am right now.
When I first found the site, I felt drawn to it more as a sexual fantasy, or as a short term “game”. Now, I have to admit that I am shocked to the core over how deeply transforming this experience was- and we are only starting out. I forsee my marriage bonds to be strengthened. I feel the level of intimacy between me and my HOH will reach new heights.
I also feel that I will be so much happier with myself as a person, wife, mother, and woman. I have felt inadequacies, based on my shortcomings, thinking “that’s just who I am, what I a am capable of”. Now I feel capable of being it all. I can still have my freedoms, but be the positive influence, the contributor, to my family. I don’t need to carry the guilt of failing my kids and burdening my husband with stress. I can be a better person and be able to look back and know that I gave them the best of me.
I know that my marriage will be better. He won’t resent me. We can enjoy each other so much more. I underestimated the positive feeling I would get from being punished. Does this make me an antifeminist? I don’t know. I don’t really get why this would work so well. But I already feel that it has.
I feel so grateful to my HOH for considering this, trying it. I know that it was difficult for him emotionally. I hope he had a cathartic experience by getting it all out there through his scolding of me. I think he did experience that. I adore him and I haven’t shown him the respect he deserves. I want to dote on him. I feel unworthy of his affections. I don’t want to disappoint him. I want to make him proud of me. I will. I am confident that by continuing the path, 6 months will bring great change. I won’t be lazy come December… Last year, we half ass put up the tree- no ornaments, even. I really short changed my kids. This year we will decorate the entire (clean and uncluttered) house for the holidays with the kids. I am ready to make those lasting favorite family memories.
Wow. Shocked. Calmed. Loved. Forgiven. Optamistic. Excited. Energized. Engaged. Connected. Trusting. Enamored. Obedient. Proud to obey such an amazing man. He has catered to me for so long, it is my turn to cater to him. I know he will continue to spoil me, but not I will SO show him how grateful I am to him. I will make myself worthy of such pampering.
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My HO returned to the bedroom, having journaled himself. We read eachother's entries and had a wonderfully intimate conversation. I felt so close to him. We then discussed his expectations for me.

He then directed me to return over his knee for my first Maintenance Spanking. My bottom was already pretty raw so it was more painful the second time around. I did cry out at one point, but I was very good and did not try to cover myself or squirm.

He held me once more once it was over, then told me to submit and thank him for my punishment by giving him Oral Sex. I did. He then returned to favor because he was so proud of me for taking the first steps towards being a better person.

Making the decision to enter into LDD

5.24.09
Tonight I am going to get my Introductory Discipline. I am excited to start living the LDD lifestyle. I am eager to change the way I live and the way I interact with my family. Just thinking about it has a physical, and sexual, reaction within me. My HOH using his command tone this morning did that to me as well. But it is a two sided sword… With all of the benefits that LDD will bring, I am still caught up in the “play” aspect of it. I don’t know it the “actuality” of it will be something I can live with. Already, I have challenged it. In the kitchen, with my HOH when he went to punish me, I resisted. I think that truly submitting will be difficult for me. I am afraid of enduring the pain of the spanking as well. It will not be pleasant and I know I am going to want to quit once we get into it. I am going to struggle with the obedience. I hope to work through it because I DO really want to be better for my kids. I don’t know what else to do to get myself there. I am wasting time with them. Urgh. Still I am not sure if I am prepared to chew what I have decided to bite off. We shall see.
2 minutes until I have to go upstairs. Seriously freaking out. Like, before a depo or before giving a speech freaking out. Plus seriously fear of pain, like laser hair or having to run at exercise. Almost nauseaus… questioning why the hell I suggested this stupid idea.

I have horrible habits that need changing...

5.23.09
Something else that might be a good routine to establish- create a menu for the week. At first, maybe my HOH can put the menu on the fridge. He can pick what he wants to eat. Or, it can be my responsibility that by Friday evenings or Sunday evenings, I must place the week’s menu on the fridge for my HOH’s approval. Then he can amend it as he sees fit. Groceries can then be bought by either my HOH, or myself, accordingly. If there is something he wants to eat, he can arrange the menu.
There will be one “take out night” and we can agree to a specific night for that. Maybe at the beginning there can be some leeway. I would wholeheartedly appreciate some by nights to accommodate the sudden change for me- and dealing with the kids at night. Maybe my HOH will grant me a few nights in which I feed only the kids (in exchange for some sort of altered punishment) or having so many “byes” per month. He could opt to attach punishment to these or simply make them free.
I guess it all comes down to what my HOH wants from me. I know obedience is a lesson I need to learn. There will be a difference between punishment for failing to do my chores and punishment for disobedience. If he wishes for me to not to have “bye” nights, then so be it. I suppose I can always ask permission to have a “bye” night. Maybe that is the way to handle it. Maybe, per his permission, I can have up to so many bye nights per month without being punished for not doing my chores. Of course, he can always call me and treat me with a bye night. A “hey Honey, you’ve been so good and it has been a busy day for you, I’ll bring home dinner…” would always be welcomed!
Also, I think it would benefit the household to be given a specific big project for the week. Cleaning out one closet, or area, or organizing something… I would be given a set amount of time to get my project completed. I will journal about my time management every day, trying to be honest about how I am spending my time.
I think the journaling is vital to LDD. It has helped so much already, even though we haven’t really started. It helps to write out my thoughts , hopes, and concerns about LDD. I think it is easier to write out what I am thinking, than to express them vocally. It will help with honesty as well. With the home project, for example, if I am told to journal every night about my proper usage of time, I need to be honest in my journal. If my HOH asks me if I got done as much as I could, I need to answer honestly, even if it leads to scolding, or punishment. If I am dishonest to him, and he reads this in my journal, than I will be punished for being dishonest.
I wonder if I will be sent to my room for specific journaling time. I guess if I keep it up daily then there will be no need. I do think it is an important aspect to LDD. I believe I should be punished in some manner for falling behind in it. I have been typing my entries on my laptop and copying them in my journal. It is so much easier to type it out, but probably 100x easier for my HOH to read it in my journal.
Either starting a blog would be great, or continuing to copy down my entries. He might like that I am spending extra time thinking about all of this by copying, or might prefer the blog. We need to talk about it. If we both had blogs, we could read each others. Or he might not want me reading his. I know there are other HOH blogs out there. He would benefit from being able to have another HOH to talk to, or have a HOH who can mentor him and help him.
I am just eager to begin. The anticipation of change is motivating me to change in little ways already. I want him to read everything and be ready to start on the same page.

Discovering LDD

While fooling around on the internet I discoved the LovingDD website. I was immediately intrigued. I starting talking about the articles with my husband. This is where my journey begins...
5.22.09
Last night my HOH and I talked about entering into a LDD lifestyle. I am so very excited about this. I think for a long time I have been craving discipline and direction. I am not good at boundaries. I have never had to deal with them before. Pretty much my entire life I have been able to do what I want, when I want. I have never really had to deal with accountability. I think this has been a disservice to me and my well being. For example, I have never really had a job…. Not a real job. My so called “real jobs” have never lasted more than one year. I don’t think I have ever had the discipline to really commit. The same can be said about the way I live at home. Disorganized, sloppy, lazy. It is not something to be proud of. It was one thing to exist this way before I had kids, but now I have their well being to think of. One would think this would be motivation enough, but, obviously, it hasn’t been. So I know that I need more direction, or correction. I want accountability.
I have always been drawn to submission. I really don’t know why, but it has always invoked a liberating feeling within me. I feel like I have to be in control all of the time and it is so nice to just submit and be taken care of. I think LDD carries the potential of harmony, reverence and peace.
I also welcome the closeness it will bring between me and my HOH. I have a wonderful husband. I really do. I know this. Somehow, however, I find that I take him for granted a great deal. I put him down a lot, disrespect him, downplay the things he does for me and my family. I don’t want to be this way. I want to savor him, honor him, and show him how grateful I am to him for giving me the life I lead. Truly, I have been blessed. When we dabbled in the submissive lifestyle, it had an immediate response in our relationship. I immediately respected my husband more and catered to him and our families needs.
I am hoping that LDD will help me to be a better wife and mother. I want to be guided. I need that behavior modification to motivate me. Some of my chores I hope to do on a daily basis include laundry. I want to never be more than two loads behind. Clothes folded and not left piled on the dining room table- actually put away. Dishes washed completely and family toys put away every night before going to bed. Dinner made for the family at least 4 weeknights. I also want to stick to a budget. I willingly admit that I have no regard for money. I don’t even think about it. I need to learn responsibility in this. I hope to be able to earn money based on good behavior.
I have to admit that I am a little weary of the “tearful spankings” that I am willingly welcoming into my future. I have been playfully spanked, erotically, and had some punishment- but nothing to the degree that is necessary to a having a successful LLD lifestyle. I am anticipating a great deal of pain to my backside in order to bring me to tears. And then to envision being spanking severely once I start to cry is a little intimating. I must say, however, that the articles I have read about “tearful spanking” have really peaked my interest. I am hoping that I DO feel that cathergic healing that comes with the punishment. I am hoping that I do feel stress relief and a closer connection to my HOH.
I envision my first Spanking Initiation to include being strip naked. I hope my HOH scolds me about the shortcomings in my current lifestyle and how I have disrespected him, our family, and our home with my laziness and lack of motivation. He will tell me that we are going to work together to make this LLD a positive experience for the family and my well being. He will commit to thoroughly and consistently spanking me to tears (and apparently then some) for my well being and personal growth. He will tell me that he is proud of me for being willing to better myself for him and our kids. Then I will get my first spanking. I hope that afterwards, he sits me down and we talk about what he expects from me. We can talk about behavior that will lead to punishment – disobedience, disrespect and dishonesty. He can go over my chores in the home, expectations with regards to money, sex, anything he needs from me. We will discuss our Maintenance Spanking schedule- or he will tell me what it is… then after we’ve gone over all of his expectations, I will be put in the Corner to think about what I need to do. Then I will go immediately into a Maintenance Spanking and be spanked through tears for the second time that night. I think that would be a strong initiation for us.
I do have concerns that my HOH will not be able to thoroughly punish me to the extreme necessary to make this effective. I do hope I don’t make it more difficult for him. I am certain that I will test him a lot in the beginning, with the “I am not in the mood” type of behavior. I hope he calls me out on it and adds Disobedience Discipline to my punishment when I act out like this. I know he can push through this by consistently punishing me, that just hasn’t been a strength of his in the past.
I have ordered the LLD book and we will both read it. I hope my HOH takes an active interest in this and gives it a solid shot. The benefits are so great. After two years of weight watchers I was totally able to change my eating habits and I no longer need the meetings… it is my hope that after living with LDD for a year I will be able to say that I am a wonderful housewife and mother with only little ongoing discipline. I just need the guidance to get there.